#40 Distance Intimacy Learning
Summary
Some people are far away from one another and sometimes they want to get sexy or feel close or something. We started with the intention to give tips for “doing it” long-distance style, but we discovered that the true meaning of long-distance sexy times… is friendship. If you’re into awkward pauses, this episode is for you!
We also delve into the fast-paced world of Doggy Law; help Hannah decide if she wants to become an ant (you read that correctly); and establish that Erik’s primary love language is meat. Add nonmonogamy/polyamory songs to our Youtube playlist! Click here to collaborate!
Click here to jump to the FULL TRANSCRIPT of this episode.
Resources & References
Episode 40 Transcript
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Chastain
Hey everybody.
Max
Good morning. Welcome to the podcast. Oh, we’re that kind of recording.
Chastain
Yes, yes. We’re podcasting this morning. Did you get the memo?
Max
I just mean like, we’re actually like, recording recording. Yeah. The recorder is running. Your ice pack is sitting in a very peculiar way.
Chastain
It’s making my head feel better.
Max
You’re an icy Willie Nelson. Oh, you have a red braid. You are an icy Willie Nelson.
Oh, no.
Hannah
Should I take a picture and send it to Eric okay. You too, could be a lizard of the Arctic.
Erik
already went over that.
Max
Nothing. There’s nothing there.
Chastain
an Arctic lizard. I want to be an Arctic lizard. Arctic lizard was the name of my band and
Erik
it was a really shitty day.
Arctic Monkeys admit that a band yeah hey, they actually exist to
Chastain
Eric I just sent you a really a horrible picture of me. didn’t look at it over my phone is no Oh, well that’s a treat for you. You can enjoy that.
Hannah
Wait Does that mean you didn’t get the text message that shows how everyone looks this morning? I did see
when I was still editing while ago
Max
I’m running around trying to get everything together also had Chaston with her jacket pulled up around her head.
Erik
It wasn’t really sure what that was.
Max
That was that was your
Hannah
I was doing are you
Max
Welcome to the Pod Pod Cvlt Cast where we talk about life love learning and libido and share our journey through polyamory and kink I’m Max
Chastain
I’m Chastain
Hannah
I’m Hannah,
Erik
I’m Eric.
Max
Yay.
Chastain
Erica was that clicking noise I don’t know. What is that sound happens. All right.
I don’t think I heard it. I didn’t hear it either. Okay, it’s all in your head. It is. It’s a It’s a mystery.
So be somebody in Yeah.
Max
Oh, wow. Wow, they’re good. And they’re good
Chastain
and opens to the clicks. So today we’re going to talk about stuff on distance stuff long distance stuff but first, Hannah, you had an interesting Facebook group that you were concerned
Max
about your live action? Oh no,
Hannah
I didn’t think this is gonna be a real podcasting thing. Yeah, I just need everyone to give me their advice on whether or not I should join a group where we all pretend to be ants and an ant colony.
Erik
What isn’t that what modern society is already? Well, I
Hannah
think that oh my
Max
god modern society.
Hannah
Yeah, no, because somebody posts something and then the first person like reacts how they think an ant would. And then because it’s a colony, everyone just posts the same thing. That’s the first story. That’s kind
Max
of funny. That’s pretty funny.
Hannah
I see something that makes them angry at somebody like fight.
Max
All right, so not verbally react. It’s not like George. I don’t like that. You left your coffee cup there, George. I don’t like that. You left your coffee cup there, George. I don’t like
Erik
that shirt.
Hannah
Well, first of all, you wouldn’t say George because you could only use people’s names. So
what’s wrong with an aunt named George and George?
Max
So it’s just your human name. So it’s like that that game where your porn star name is like the street you grew up on and whatever else I remember. I just
Hannah
like I feel like I have to join because my name would be antenna.
Max
Not me, Carlos antenna.
Chastain
It’s like, it’s like dog laws. It’s like, you just put doggy in front of everything and it becomes doggy stuff, or Yeah.
Max
Does anybody else know what we’re talking about when we talk about dog? lovers? reverse dog love you, Pedro link.
Chastain
So there’s this dog that visits the yard. And it’s this skinny dog
Hannah
sort of looks like our dog. But if more dramatic tale but a
Chastain
more dramatic tail and skinnier, much skinnier, much taller, much more youthful. They’re not looked like
Erik
nothing at all.
Chastain
We named a dog Pedro and Pedro would come visit and then we saw Pedro in the in the neighborhood when we took the one walk that we took through the neighborhood. And Pedro was tied up on a rope or chain or so lead. Yeah, because Pedro was In doggy jail because Pedro gets out of the yard and comes in visits our yard.
Max
So I saw their family on a walk and I spoke to them and asked what the dog’s actual name is, which is Lincoln. So then the the lore quickly grew that. His name was Pedro Lincoln. His name is Pedro Lincoln, Esquire. His name is Pedro Lincoln, Esquire, and he’s a dog attorney who practices dog law, which is the same as people law, except with dog in front of it.
Erik
So the theme of the episode today is people need to learn how to deal with not getting out of the house.
Yeah, we are among those people.
Chastain
Yes, so tell me about your heart desires.
Erik
I wasn’t necessarily going to talk about that.
Max
Okay. Not necessarily.
Chastain
No, you don’t have to
Erik
perfect. I was gonna bring it up if I brought it up. And not bringing it up because they’re frustrating right now. backing out.
Max
I did get all our inner tubes mounted and stuff. So we have three operating bikes now. And I don’t have to use my feet going to the mailbox like a barbarian.
Chastain
Now you can still use your feet except they’re just above the surface and moving in a circle.
Max
Well, they’re not
Hannah
doing the work, huh, there are a lot more efficient now. He’s cool.
Erik
I no longer have a working bicycle. You’ll get it buddy. It’s just oh man. Oh, man. That’s part of why it’s so warm in here because I was fighting with this stupid fucking wheel. This is a podcast.
Chastain
You can do it, I believe in
Hannah
actually introduce our topic first.
Chastain
Oh, so our topic is our topic is that some people are far away from each other and sometimes they want to get intimate or sexy or feel connected or whatever. So we’re going to talk about that.
Erik
This is a podcast where we express that Oh, wait, sorry, was that I see I’m far away. No, I don’t really know what’s going on. You could go,
Max
go for it. Rip it.
Erik
Really excited for playing off a bad timing. This is a podcast where we talk about this is a podcast where we express our opinion
Max
this is the best of what we’ve done so far. We got to delete out all the dumb dog law shit.
Hannah
This is the podcast where we
Erik
discuss what happened when you put seven people together.
Max
They stopped being polite and started getting real
Erik
and expressing their opinions. relationships, sex, Polly and LGBTQ issues
Hannah
and whatever else comes up. We may
Erik
look like violence, abuse and mental health challenges much disclaimer.
Hannah
These can be difficult topics.
Erik
Moving ahead,
Hannah
are you feeling disjointed and out of step in your relationships due to the pandemic?
Erik
I think that there’s way too made that 100 Okay, I thought I did something wrong.
Chastain
No, you did not do anything wrong.
I just saw the gift that you sent to the to the text.
Erik
Yeah, well, that was my response to talk lol.
Chastain
Oh, did you see Willie Nelson? Chaston
Erik
Yeah, that pop up.
Hannah
Yeah, sorry.
Chastain
I’m so sorry. I lost it again.
Max
Alright guys, get it together. Come on. We can do that so we can bring it in.
Chastain
are we feeling? are we feeling disconnected from our loved ones? We feel the need to feel the need for the touch of a lover’s hand.
Max
So before this, like I noticed you had a long distance relationship. I have had a couple I guess we’ve all had long since I
Erik
had the longest distance relationship. Yeah.
Have you have you haven’t had the longest distance relationship? How do you figure? Where are you talking about?
I’ve had a long distance relationships with South Africa and Australia. Thank you very much. And how often did you see these people? I didn’t? Well, that’s a different kind of long distance relationship.
Max
And have you ever had a long distance relationship? No, no. So three out of the four of us have and
Chastain
California for what, two years? Yeah. And I saw him what like three times? Yeah.
Erik
Yeah, that’s what I was basing it on.
Max
Yeah. And I had when I was 20, a relationship with somebody who was going to college in Maine for a few months before she finished up and moved down here. So yeah, we all have some experience before like, forced disease reasons. Before that, before that, that we’ve had some experience with having long distance relationships and trying to maintain
Hannah
that And long distance friendships do long distance friendships and familial relationships. Yeah, Mm
hmm.
Chastain
So the rule that I put the rule that I set for this episode was that we cannot talk about current relationships. So Eric and I are not going to talk about our current relationship. Cool.
Hannah
Rock on, does it feel different now? Like the situations that people are facing? Because of that, like added stress versus a long distance relationship? That was just like the normal mode for that relationship? Well, I think,
Max
yeah, and I think that like when you’re in a regular long distance relationship, there’s also kind of a timeline, right? Like you have an idea that it’s happening for this period of time before this work assignment is over, or the school semester is over, or whatever. And we plan visits and stuff, where right now we don’t have any kind of timeline, you know,
Chastain
right and I think that also because because the option is taken away, the option for travel is taken away, right? That it becomes
Max
a,
Chastain
it’s just a harder thing. And I think that it’s really important that we not discount online emotional attachments. Because those are real relationships that you can have with video calls and phone calls, and things like that. So it’s important not to discount those relationships that are built in that way, because a lot of relationships are being built like that right now. There are a lot of people who were single, or who ended relationships before all of this stuff began, who are now trying to date during the pandemic, who are forming attachments and building relationships and dating through video calls. And that, you know, that’s a valid way to have an have a relationship right now. So I want to make sure that we’re we’re not discounting that at all.
Max
Yeah, sure, at the beginning of self quarantine isolation and stuff, Patton Oswald talked about the fact that he and his now current wife, like, didn’t meet each other for like three months. I think. So also, you know, this is not an unusual thing that connections are formed through texting or or talking online or what have you. Before you actually meet IRL, as we used to say in the AOL chat room days, which is how a lot of connections were formed in the late 90s. Yeah,
Hannah
yeah. And I mean, I, those are experiences that I have shared. And just like I had, most of my friends as a young teen were people I met online who were Canadian. And they’re 18 boyfriend. No, not boyfriend. It’s just like a group of friends who is really close to them. They spend all of their time together. That’s it. Some of the first places that I had to deal with kind of like the intricacies of more mature relationships, like jealousy and how to apportion time, whenever, you know, your time was limited, and you felt responsible to make keep up those connections with multiple people, that was a really, you know, important experience and it happened entirely online. Some of those girls, you know, ended up meeting up in person and having real friendships, but I wasn’t one of them. I was sort of in the that, like, were you text?
Yeah, I think
Chastain
I think we should talk about the different ways that people are connecting and can connect right now. And then perhaps shift into how we can make those intimate times. And when we talk about intimacy, we can talk about emotional intimacy and physical intimacy because I think those are two separate things. And I think people have different needs in those areas. So there are different ways to connect. ways I’m connecting with people right now are through text messages, through emails, and through video messages, which is a new thing for me. I have a friend that I made at Pod Fest, and somebody that I don’t know very well, but Sara from Squeaky’s cauldron, the podcast, and she and I have been sending Whatsapp Video messages back and forth. And like I said, we don’t know each other very well. But I feel like we’re getting to know one another because we’ll send each other like a five minute message every day. Five minutes. Yeah, we just talk about our day we talk about what’s going on. And we’ll ask each other questions about things and talk about what we’re interested in or talk about a book we’re reading or talk about, what have you. And and that’s been interesting because you’re replying to somebody else’s miniature little talk. And then adding on to it. So it’s almost like it’s almost like adding onto a short story or something, but it’s about your life. I don’t know how to describe it. And that’s the first time I’ve had that experience.
Max
Well, it’s like writing a letter,
Chastain
right? It’s like writing a letter, but you’re, you’re just doing it via video message, you get to see the facial expressions and the emotion behind it and the place that they’re in and all of that, and so it feels more intimate than a letter. And it’s really interesting. I’m connecting with people on in chatroom spaces and I’m connecting with people in live video call spaces. And I’m connecting with people through social distance. You know, we’re seeing each other in person, but we’re far away spatially. And I still consider that long distance because it’s not somebody that I can touch and we’re just sort of shouting across space.
Max
screaming into the void
Chastain
All my life. So how are you? How’s everybody else connecting with people?
Max
I mostly interacting with YouTube, Hannah and like, texting? Well, yeah, I mean, I have my other partner Lauren that like I text every day, all day. And I talked to my sister on the phone. But, you know, other than that, and the guys at work, like, I’m not really in communication with too many other people other than I text message here and there was somebody else I know. But that’s sort of how my social circle has shrunk down an awful lot. And I don’t know that there’s any particular reason for it that just haven’t even been texting with the local friends that we have. that I had, you know, like I just haven’t been talking with. I don’t think I thought about it until this moment. I just haven’t been talking with people as much. I don’t know why like this. The social circle shrunk down too fast.
Chastain
Well, we all have limited energy right now. We have to we have to accept that right? What’s going on is traumatic and it is a stress. And when we’re under stress, we have limited social energy, regardless of being extroverted or introverted. So I think our circles do start down to the people that matter most to us. And when we have that extra energy, that’s when we reach out.
Hannah
Hmm. Yeah, I find myself feeling pretty overwhelmed by trying to keep up ongoing text conversations with people. And I mostly attributing that to just my work situation right now. So I have a full normal work schedule, but at home so I don’t have the opportunity to have face to face time. I’m doing everything in chat and an email. And so by the time I’m done with that, I just don’t want to text anybody again. But I’ve been doing more video calls connecting even with some friends who I feel like we wouldn’t normally have have talked. Or it might, you know, go a few months without us having anything to like, reach out about, but because we’re all feeling isolated, I think it bring, I mean, I don’t know if it’s fair to say that I could bring these things into focus. Maybe it’s just a spontaneous thing that happens for this moment. And that’s fine, too. I don’t necessarily feel like it’s a time to like reconnect or readjust our priorities for the long term. But yeah, it’s been interesting to see who reaches out. And who becomes part of that circle. I think when circumstances change. We’ve been connected more as a family like my siblings, and my mom and I, because I think I have always just taken for granted like, they’re just across town. I can always connect with them whenever we need to. And we’re just living our separate lives. But I do think that because we’re all home right now. We’ve been talking a lot more
Erik
I was already hurt. So it’s not that different from me.
Chastain
But you’ve been talking to friends, right? You’ve talked to a couple of friends.
Erik
Yeah, but not necessarily any different cross section of people or anything like that.
Chastain
But how are you connecting with them? Are you
Erik
text messages? Mostly? Yeah. Swimming. Earlier hermit.
Max
Yeah, you know, I used to see my sister every week, every Sunday morning. And so that’s been a big change. And now we text a lot more than we used to. Just because of that, just for, like that connection.
Chastain
I’ve been talking to my sister on the phone every almost every day, but
Max
it seems like you’re talking to her a lot more than you had been.
Chastain
Yeah. Well, she was, um, she was job hunting for a while and now she’s working again. So she doesn’t have as much time but she likes to call and chat with me when she’s you know, going to work or coming home. from work and when she’s in town, she’ll stop by on the porch and, you know, sit 16 feet away and Yammer at me for a few minutes just to check in on me. So, that’s it.
Erik
So, most of my Well, not abnormal, but less frequent contacts. I’ve just been somebody that I haven’t talked to in a while. The theme of it is basically just have me It’s crazy in it. Mm hmm. Yep. Crazy. Okay.
Chastain
Yeah, I got proposition for phone sex from an ex.
Erik
See, I didn’t have any.
Chastain
And I said no.
Max
Story. Yeah.
Chastain
We all know that we all have different love languages, right? So everybody out there connects with people differently and everybody out there feels connection differently. So when you have a time like this when everybody’s under stress, so people do have limited energy. And you have a time when people are feeling maybe that they need either need more connection or need less connection. And their partners or the people that they’re interested in are far away. What are some ways that we think through our experiences with past relationships, good or bad? Some ways that we think that people could improve the connection that they have with people through either being compassionate with the other person or being compassionate with themselves? It’s my question that making sense.
Erik
Well, I don’t know what compassion would have to do with it, but Just finding basically, if you have a pattern of communication, if you try a slightly different version of that same thing, then it doesn’t seem like oh, it’s just another day of text messages and what I’m referring to specifically, you wanted to What did you call it? Like have a df off or whatever?
Yeah, we played a gift game.
Erik
So that was a fun thing. I was so Eric and I, although I think that’s actually how most people communicate these days. Anyway.
Chastain
So Eric, and I played it, I it was just a silly game. And it was basically like GIF Association. We posted a GIF and like he, I would post a GIF and then he would have to post something like word association, except it was through gifts and we just did that and it was just a fun, silly thing. And it allowed us to do connected in the same space without having to have a conversation. Yeah, cuz
Erik
who wants that?
Max
Yeah, Jennifer and I did a thing. I just thought of this jabber and I did a thing a couple years ago. Based that started with a conversation about playing Words with Friends, where she and I were just going back and forth, coming up with like, innuendo, or just, you know, verbs that had to do with sex, basically, you know, she would do an a word, I would do a B word, she would do a C word. And we went through like, four or five times doing that, and that was the same thing. It was a like, we are in this constant, quote, fingers conversation, but we’re not actually like, talking. We’re not, you know, I mean, right. So
Erik
like correspondents chess, yeah.
Hannah
My sister died. Do basically like mixtapes, like playlists with stories for each other. But we also like to do games where we’ll just throw out a category like, has a color in the title. And then everybody has to separately choose and then send in a song that relates to that. And that’s been a really fun way for us to
Max
connect. Pretty neat. That’s fun. Yeah.
Chastain
I know some people who have, they’ll have shared Spotify accounts and things like that. So they’ll create playlists, and they all contribute to the same playlist or what have you. And that’s always kind of fun.
Max
They should watch high fidelity that shows all about playlist.
There’s a show. There is a show. Movie.
Chastain
So there’s a show and Zoe Kravitz, who’s the daughter of one of the people who was in the movie. Uh huh. So we Kravitz is the main character they did a gender swap and And it’s pretty decent. It’s pretty enjoyable show. It’s on Hulu. Wait,
Erik
show what so we curve it is
Max
she plays? Yeah, she plays Rob. Gotcha. Hmm. And they also gender swap the jack black character. Mm hmm. And obviously jack black was much better in the character because he’s
Yeah, but it’s enjoyable. So.
Hannah
So he told me yesterday that she and her partner were doing, they were alternating choosing films and they were going backwards through time. So that like, starting with 2019, and then she would choose a filmer released in 2018. And I thought that was cute, too. They were trying to like, see how long they could keep going back in time with different movies released on that year. Are they actually watching? They’re actually watching them together? Yeah. Okay, that’s cool.
Chastain
Yeah, there’s a lot of watching things together, Eric and I tried to watch Tiger gang together but it’s a terrible show.
Hannah
Don’t do that. Did you feel bad my
Chastain
enthusiasm for Tiger King has waned.
Hannah
But everybody’s different love language like some love languages are impacted more than others throughout all of this right like, so I consider my primary love language to be like quality time. And so in the past when my access to be in person with people were was limited, I was the kind of person who would call you multiple times a day or like be on video calls for a super long time. And now that we’re here in the same house together, I go a long time without texting or calling or like having that kind of quality time. But it’s one of those things that kind of naturally sort of ebbs and flows, I think as your circumstances change, but how is everybody else’s love language being expressed at the moment
Chastain
My love language my primary love language is affirmation. And I’m not doing so well
Erik
because mine is not
Chastain
Eric’s primary love language is meat.
Erik
like beef
Max
Yeah, I guess. You know, mine is what acts of service right so, you know, I made breakfast free all this stuff.
Chastain
I woke up in there. It was like steak and bread and all kinds of craziness. Oh man. I do you want me to send you a picture? No.
Max
I’m not good at cooking steak. So it was not great. Don’t worry about it. You didn’t miss anything.
There was still meat and meat yeah meat
is great
Chastain
meat for any meal for Eric is great. Yeah Eric loves meat Yeah, there was there were also potatoes.
Hannah
French situation
Chastain
was missing brunch so I woke up and there was brunch.
Erik
I had leftover Brunswick stew
Chastain
that’s good that’s tasty.
Max
Yeah, we had brunch but we hit like earlier in the morning then usually have brunch so what do you call that breakfast
Hannah
is because it was so much food. It counts for both meals.
Erik
And if you don’t eat it, oh, you eat some later than the classic second breakfast?
Chastain
No, it was just breakfast amount of food. Okay.
Erik
I can I can understand that.
Chastain
And some potato, which is also a carb and some meat and some eggs and I had veggie sausage instead of steak.
Erik
I love a breakfast that you have to take a nap after.
Chastain
I think we’re taking a nap right now.
Hannah
Like a Saturday. Yeah, that’s Yeah,
Chastain
we started answering my question with Well, here are activities that we have that don’t require you to actually to actually engage with the other person, but I’m still feeling connected. But I think that the, the point I was trying to make is when you have different love languages, how can you be compassionate with the with the other person and understanding but and when I say compassion, I mean, understanding empathizing and accepting of the fact that the other person in a relationship or friendship has a different way of connecting. And so that doesn’t mean that they’re rejecting you don’t take it personally.
Erik
There’s four agreements But
Chastain
how can you be understanding of that, while also be accepting of yourself and your own needs, recognizing that these are things that you need and that it’s okay to need them? And how can you have those conversations with partners about what’s going on and about how to manage your relationship? Long distance, I guess, is what I was trying to get at.
Maybe, I don’t know.
scowling at me.
Erik
That is just under different terms and different variables.
Chastain
So what are the types of things that we should talk about?
Max
Well, I think that well, I wasn’t scaling I was I was trying to like I was taking some work through my brain like yeah, I feel like you You’re the answer to your question is in the question like we were just talking about having compassion and understanding and and being clear about where you’re at, right?
Yeah.
Erik
So yeah, do that.
Hannah
I feel like in the past, I’ve been guilty, like as relationships transition, right. And I’m still thinking about family relationships too. And it’s like anyone you’ve been close with, I lived with family members till I was 25. So whenever we started, you know, when that family unit started breaking up physically, to different countries, different parts of the country. I think there was a lot of like talking about instead of talking to, like so and so mad at me, why is it that this person like doesn’t reach out, you know, and a lot of angsting over whether or not those relationships were just falling apart in some kind of catastrophic way and which was just wrong. I mean, if you’re feeling insecure about the way you’re communicating, or the lack of communication, or whatever the case may be, maybe there’s really no way to work through it. without talking to that person. And that seems so obvious, but it was really difficult, I think for for me and I observed for others as well to not sort of internalize that and be like, I did something wrong, like something’s broken here.
said, Don’t make assumptions.
Hannah
Yeah, talk to her smarter.
Max
I mean, that’s the easiest thing to do, especially when there’s physical distance, and you don’t know what’s going on in that other person’s life. Right. You know, I think my experience of having a long distance relationship was, you know, and especially because I was younger and really insecure, and jealous because I was insecure. Like you find yourself sitting there going, like, Who is she hanging out with right now? She’s talking to you right now. You know, it’s really easy to fall into those traps when there’s a lot of distance between people and right now. Not being on the property can be a lot of distance. Right, you know, any amount of distances a lot of distance when you can’t just drive over or whatever,
Hannah
people who were not at all planning to be long distance or feeling long distance.
Chastain
So let’s think about, you know who we are now in terms of being grown ups, being mature, hurt responsible adults, who know that we should talk to people about our feelings. And we should express our needs in positive ways that don’t set expectations but instead inspire conversation and ask for other people’s consent to, you know, whether or not they can meet those needs. And let’s talk about the types of things that we should be asking for from our partners, and the types of things that we should be open to trying to give our partners if we’re able, but understand it and like maybe talk about some boundaries and it’s okay to set right now. To
Max
endure, you know, because that’s the topic that we started out with. You’re, you’re not talking about the partners that are sitting in this room? No,
Chastain
no, I’m just talking about in general, I’m talking about just, you know, as we’re, we’re, we’re polyamorous. And so I think I think that a lot of our listeners are curious about polyamory or already engaging in polyamorous relationships or open relationships. So they’d like to hear about that. But I think those conversations can also apply to things like familial relationships, friendships, and just regular relationships. Any any kind of agreement. Exactly. Exactly. So what kinds of things? What kinds of needs do we think come up? And what kinds of boundaries do we think come up? And how can we express those in healthy ways? Is that a better question?
Max
Yeah, I don’t. I’m gonna start talking and see if an answer comes out of my mouth. Because when you’re talking about what kind of needs that come up, and what kind of boundaries Come up, you know, Hannah, you talked about having a need for quality in person time. And when you don’t have that, then you start requiring a lot of digital contact in one way or another, right. And I think a lot of relationships bump up into a situation where one person is, let’s call that outgoing, outgoing in that kind of way, and the other person is not particularly chatty. Right? So it can become very difficult to maintain it
Chastain
digitally. Or chatty. What whatever, you know, like,
Max
yeah, yeah, just like it finds it personally difficult to maintain that level of contact, because they’re just not a person that feels like they have very much to say or
Hannah
not everybody can make small talk with the same person every day. Unfortunately,
Max
yeah, so I think so how do we even negotiate that how to how do we set like, is that a matter of setting a boundary and saying like, you know what, I think I just can’t talk this much.
Chastain
I think that is I think that’s absolutely a boundary. I think that sometimes people don’t realize that that’s a boundary that they need to set with partners. So and that’s actually something that I see a lot between parents make people between you, you and I, yes. Because I can.
Erik
I generally don’t talk a whole lot.
Chastain
Right, right. You’re not very textual. You’re not a very you’re not a messenger.
Erik
I mean, unless you give me started on something to rant about, but I usually don’t start that.
Chastain
Right. Right. But no, that’s common. It’s common with a lot of people you tend to have. I think it’s like people who like olives and people who don’t like olives. You tend to have one person who likes text communication or video communication or what, whatever communication and the other person is not as communicative in that way. I think It’s important that the person who recognizes that they need that expresses that they need it and they ask for it in a healthy way. So they say, this is a type of contact that I enjoy. Are you able to talk with me? During lunch time? Are you able to say good morning and good night to me? Are you able to have a conversation with me once daily? Are you able to devote these this amount of time to talking to me or checking in with me, and the other person has to be able to say, I can’t just keep up a running text conversation with you all day long. I can absolutely check in with you. I can absolutely ask how your day is going. I can absolutely. You know, tell you how my day is going over lunchtime or have a quick recap of my day in the evening. But I cannot just keep up incessant small talk. So I think there’s a way that we can, we can set that boundary That’s okay. That’s okay. And it’s so it’s about knowing your limits. That’s the thing is you have to know what you need and where that line is. And you have to know where what you can and cannot do and where that line is. And you also have to know what the other party can and cannot do.
Erik
In other words, like say if, if if say the more chatty one is not getting the amount of chat that is wanted, I guess I won’t say needed yet. Then they can also learn that the other side isn’t not communicating for not wanting to communicate, it’s just a bunch to say, and I am saying that because of myself, I often don’t have as much to say, but where, where I’m driving it I have a whole lot of experience with long distance things that are you know, even through different different time zones. That sort of thing. So sometimes you can’t just be in direct communication because you’re in the middle of the day and they’re in the middle of the night.
Max
It can be kind of a pitch.
Erik
I have I have to, and, and that sort of scenario, then both parties also have to kind of accept that. You may not talk every single day, or whatever. And then what you can learn from that is that you can either appreciate the time together or resent it, you know what I mean? So that I think would fall right in line with the knowing your limits.
Chastain
Right. I think it’s important to, like in those situations, when we’re dealing with time zones, where the time itself is limited, is to understand that text messaging is not immediate access to somebody. Yeah, just because we have these devices. It’s not immediate access. We don’t get to talk to somebody real time, which is why things like the ability to video message somebody is so great. You know, my friend that I’m video messaging, she’s across the country. She doesn’t read my messages until sometimes days later. That’s fine. It doesn’t have to be immediate. When I was in a relationship with somebody in Australia, that was, you know, we had a very small window during which we could interact. So it was, you know? Yeah, he was going to bed when I was getting up in the morning. So we had to really work that out. It’s, it’s tricky. It’s tricky. You have to schedule things. Sometimes you have to make make plans and sometimes people aren’t planners.
I’m not a planner.
Hannah
No, you’re not. This is definitely a time of like setting new routines including for things That used to just be sort of default, you know, if you may not have had to have set a boundary around something before or scheduled something out before, but now, it’s really important that that happens because you’re not having the same level of just natural interaction or, you know, natural flow to your day. And I mean, that’s true across all aspects of our lives. And I think as somebody who does sort of crave that daily connection, it’s been helpful, you know, when I’m working with a circumstance or a partner where that can’t happen to say, like, we’ll talk on Thursday, you know, and then whenever I feel that, and I’m like, Oh, no, I’m not left because I didn’t get this thing. We have a plan. I can save that energy for the appropriate time. Right. And that’s been hugely valuable for me to just sort of know that like, I may not get exactly what I need, when I feel that need in that moment, because Other people do not live to serve me in my schedule, but we have a plan in place so that everything will work out
Chastain
as a as a planner and as somebody who has limited energy due to medical condition and also just limited energy to give due to the stress and strain that is involved with that and also just everything that’s going on, you know, there’s no Spoon Theory like I have very few spoons right now. So
Erik
I like was that there is no spoon.
Max
More of a hypothesis really.
Chastain
I but I have, you know, I only have I have a limited amount of energy and so I need to plan things so that I can save up my energy for specific times and specific places because if I have something that comes up unexpectedly Then it’s suddenly tapping into energy reserves that I just don’t have. And that I was trying to save up for something specific later on. And then I end up having to cancel things. And then I end up feeling bad for having to cancel things that were commitments and all that jazz. So, you know, like the, the ability to schedule things, for me has been something that’s been a priority in my life just all along, at least for the past decade or so. So right now, it’s even more important to me as a planner, and everybody I think, is functioning at this much lower level of energy. We’re all really tired. And I think we’re all going through something that’s different. And so, finding ways to communicate about that, where we’re being respectful of one another, and we’re being understanding. You know, Eric, I agree with you that we do need to like, like I said earlier, we need to be compassionate, and we need to be understanding and empathy. about what the other person can do, but I don’t think we have to mind read and I don’t, I certainly don’t think we have to know or understand a pattern of what the other person can do. I don’t think it’s our responsibility in relationships to go. Like, this is the past pattern. So this is what I expect from this person. I think it’s up to the other person to set a boundary.
Erik
I don’t, I don’t get things are in the midst of change. Right. And past patterns don’t really necessarily blind right now.
Chastain
Precisely. And I don’t think it’s, I don’t think it’s my job in relationships to go like, Oh, I should have known this. Or Oh, I should expect this from this person. I feel like that falls into that mind reading category. Because people grow and change every day. And right now, like you just said, everything’s different. We’re all going through something. So we don’t we’re all responding differently to this. And we have to acknowledge that
Max
Yeah. As a person who is not a planner, and someone who like chafes against talking a whole lot, or making plans, and you know, it can seem to me to be kind of cold to make a plan to, you know, do relationship maintenance, you know what I mean? Yeah. So I guess we’re, yeah. That was an opportunity for growth.
Chastain
I think, you know, the phrase itself, relationship maintenance. Sounds cold, right? Yeah. But, you know, you have to water plants. You have to,
Erik
that’s what I was doing the world
Chastain
had to put nutrients into the soil, you have to feed your relationships. Relationships aren’t just there. They require work from both parties. They require input from both parties. And at times, somebody is going to be doing more work than the other person and that’s okay. There’s always going to be a shift in power there. is always going to be a shift in energy. And right now, everything’s chaos. And we don’t know what everybody has. And when, when somebody is not doing well emotionally, or when somebody is physically exhausted, that’s not necessarily the time to try and make your relationship better. So we’re all in coping mode right now. So how are we just how can we just cope with our emotions or relationships and get them through a trying time? And, and feel connected and feel wanted and feel the things that we need? So let’s talk about let’s talk about more intimate stuff. So we’ve talked about, you know, we can play games and we can do things that don’t require a lot of kind of intellectual social energy, right? What are some things that we can do that don’t require?
Max
That can feel sexy but that don’t that have kind of the same sort of feeling like you talked about playing Word games but with more of a sexual tinge to them. Yeah. Well, you know, I think that the texting has really set up a situation where because you mentioned before that one of the things that’s great and useful about texting, whether it’s just communicating information or business information or anything like that, like one of the things that’s great about text messages becoming a thing is that they’re not necessarily immediate. They’re not necessarily a thing that you see as soon as they happen. And they’re not necessarily a thing that you have to reply to, as soon as they happen. So just like, going through your day, and then picking up your phone and seeing like, a sexy picture or a sexy message is really nice. And it doesn’t have to be it’s cool when it’s immediate, you know, when you’re everybody’s in the moment and it’s happening, but like, it is nice to just be like, oh, that that connection is still alive. You know, we’re we’re still there. And the the stars have to align for you to both be in that place at the same time. Right? You could still enjoy. Yeah.
Erik
Yeah, that corresponds chess.
Chastain
Sexy chip.
Hannah
I have a weirdo who likes like, falling asleep next to somebody. And I like, if somebody is willing to do that on the phone or like even on a video call with me, that’s been a real treasure of long distance relationship thing for me. That’s a really intimate moment that is easy to pull off with very, very low effort. But I completely understand that some people just like
Erik
to just fall asleep with an open look.
Hannah
Yeah, it’s
Chastain
Yeah, I yeah, I’ve done that. I’ve done that a lot. And in previous long distance relationships, because it can feel you know, sometimes it’s just nice to fall asleep next to somebody and not be alone in your space.
Max
Can you set it like a timer on the coals which shuts off automatically How do you know just
Chastain
Okay, one of you will wake up and hang up.
Erik
Cool. Yeah, I’ve done that a punch too. Yeah, Skype calls long ago. Yeah, when you got eight different time zones and stuff like that you’re talking to somebody when it’s two in the morning. It’s pretty easy to fall asleep
Hannah
soon not
Erik
that’s why I laughed at it because you said it requires a little effort because it’s a pretty pretty easy once you’re not take offense to that it also like damn it. Oh, I was waiting up for you. And now you’re just sleeping.
Chastain
Oh, yeah. No, like, yeah, like, if people are tired and they feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in front of you. That’s sweet.
But not the
Max
long pauses.
Chastain
Well, and I think that I think that awkward just comes from the fact that like all of us have intimacy. Hey, it’s Chastain here from the Pod Pod Cvlt Cast. If you’re enjoying what you hear if you love the Pod, consider supporting us on Patreon. It’s podpodcvltcast.com/supportthepod . Easy as that, check out our membership levels, check out our exclusive podcast that covers books, music, movies, anything that has to do with kink, or polyamory non monogamy and also check out our new community. We are loving chatting with our patrons hanging out with people. It’s a free community. You don’t have to be a member to join but you get awesome bonuses if you do like live chats and access to our not safe to work section. So, consider supporting us, we’d appreciate it. I’ll let you get back to the episode.
Hannah
I just I don’t have this experience. I mean, okay, I have sent a sexy photo a timer to I have a handful of times like been on a video call where clothing was removed. But when you all say phone sex, like I don’t really know what you’re talking about. doesn’t click with me. I haven’t done this.
Max
Yeah, and I think like, for me, phone sex seems like kind of a relic of the past. Like it’s not something that I’ve engaged in in 50 years. uh you know, I think that it kind of gave the way I think for a lot of people that gave away to video call things sure once the internet had you know once people had better internet access and you could have video calls in real time which is not something I’ve ever done because whether it’s like a like a sex situation or just like test when you were in the hospital you know like I hate being on a video call I hate it. I hate seeing my see my dog Yeah, I hate seeing my stupid face down in the corner you know where your room screen down the corner stuff. I hate it so much. I find it so unfair. So yeah. And you know, we’ve talked about body issues a number of times like I don’t know how to hit an angle right to to make a sexy video call sexy, huh? So I those things I don’t know how to do at all. I don’t think I would know any more how to do phone sex. Even though it was something that I did kind of a lot, you know, a long time ago.
Hannah
It wouldn’t feel natural now just because that’s not the world we’re living in. Yeah, I log phone calls and
Max
yeah, I think that Yeah, long phone call certainly. Yeah. I think I’m kind of out of practice. Oh, that makes me feel so
Hannah
good. I just bad. I don’t know.
Erik
I mean, it can be fun to just use the words.
Chastain
Yeah, I mean, I think that I prefer just sending inspired messages that are just about Hey, remember this fun thing we did or there’s this thing that we’d like to do. Let’s think about this right now. While either we’re both masturbating or or you’re masturbating or cooking a steak or We’re happier. Like, it’s I think it’s fun to just think about sexy things. And I think it’s fun to talk about shared fantasies. And I think that the, I think that the, like, the sexy things that you can do with other people don’t have to be about I’m touching your thingies. Like they don’t have to be instructions for what I want you to do yourself right now or what? Eric is always like, I’m touching your thing.
Max
Which was like.
Chastain
And so I think that, you know, I think that shared fantasies is a great is a great place to start. And especially if you have an established relationship, if it’s somebody new, and you’re having a text conversation or phone conversation, sometimes it could be about expressing a fantasy and seeing what the other person thinks about it. But that can be a vulnerability. Just being vulnerable with people can be sexy sometimes. Yeah, and
Max
yeah. You know, in, in, in relationships as time goes on, like you, you kind of feed on pretty much everything. And one of the things that you can feed on is having those kinds of conversations.
Hannah
Okay, when you’re getting there with somebody you ask, like, what are you into? Right? Well, that being said,
Max
Yeah, yeah, that being said, like some of the sexiest, like Sexy, sexy conversations I’ve had are those getting to know you like talking about what you’re into talking about what your fantasies are?
Erik
Yeah. Because you can’t have that conversation when you already know. Right?
Max
Yeah. And so I think that a lot of people are just in generally in the mindset of just reminiscing and talking about like you said, cast like remember this thing that we did that was fun. Like I think that because we can’t have group sex. Right now. We can’t go to sex parties right now. We can’t you know, there are a lot of partners we can’t see right now. I think a lot of people just Generally are in the, in the place of wanting to reminisce about those fun things that we used to do you know, because that’s what I’m saying on like all of the Reddit boards, all the swinger boards and all the poly boards and all this stuff is just people telling stories about like, things that happened and things we used to do. So also sharing those with our partners is probably a better place to start than read it.
Chastain
Yeah, I think I think those things are great. I think that another way to be sexy with somebody is to just let them know that you’re thinking about them. Yeah. If you’re being if you’re being sexual with yourself. You know, I think it’s, I think that even even if I don’t feel sexy in that particular moment, I like knowing if somebody came thinking about me, I like knowing if somebody was either getting off to me or turned on by me, or just reminiscing about me or my body or my smell or just something I said that turn them on, right those things can be
Max
right but let me give a general piece of advice especially if you’d like to keep it to somebody that you have a relationship with don’t like text your friend and tell him you were jerking off to their Facebook page or whatever. But
Chastain
hey, ladies, hit me up and those especially lesbian Tick tock, I’m waiting. No, no, I’m I’m really kidding. I just want to screenshot it and send it to Eric anyway, so
Hannah
like, Look, this
lady talks to me. Oh,
Chastain
that’s that’s how I flirt with Eric. I tell him about the ladies that talk to me. This lady thought I was pretty
Erik
well, I mean, I don’t generally get that so cool. Oh,
Chastain
lots of ladies. Thank you’re pretty they tell me all about it.
Hannah
chesson receives the unsolicited attention from For
the whole, yes, I received, I received a compliment about you yesterday, in fact, oh, I
Max
told you not to tell him about that.
Chastain
But Max doesn’t want you to
Hannah
know about the stupid thing that I did with no, cloud photo storage. Oh, I I keep all of the pictures that I take and send people the people send me occasionally just random stuff that caught my eye on the internet in my phone. And when we were going on vacation, actually, I was like, Oh, I should probably just back up all my stuff and like get it off of my device. So I just pushed it into my OneDrive. And then last week, I realized that my OneDrive is connected to my work computer. And I realized because I was looking for something completely else and I just opened it notice like oh, Are 60 photos in here? And I was so embarrassed and I just it made me pause and like wonder how many other people are working at home and like doing the same having having these moments of confusion that are
Erik
accidentally putting it out into the world. Everybody Be careful out there.
Chastain
Want to know how many browser screen shares with the porn tab open up happened? I know they
Hannah
have so many tabs. There’s gotta be something inappropriate in
Chastain
there. How can your computer run with those many tabs open?
Max
Oh gosh. And like apartment dwellers whose like neighbors start having loud noisy sex while you’re
while you’re on your work? Whatever. Yeah.
Chastain
Well, during Eric’s business calls are all the time having sex.
Erik
Wait a business.
This is your business call. Oh.
Max
My barking This is Oliver’s business call. He
has to get that TPS report
Max
business Call of the Wild. Oh, yeah, I mean, I think I think he just threw blanket over him like a parakeet works every time. So yeah, you know, I think we’re having a hard time having this conversation. And I think, you know, one of the things is we don’t know how to give advice about this. I don’t think we necessarily need to give advice about this. We’re just kind of rapping about where we’re at and how we felt about keeping in contact with people.
Chastain
I think, you know, there there are. I think it’s important that you’re having conversations, I think it’s important that you’re checking in with the people that you’re in relationships with and asking what they need, because maybe they’re not expressing their needs. So if you’re feeling disconnect, ask them what they need. And also maybe take time to think about what you need before you enter into those conversations. Maybe write those things down maybe journal about it. You know, just take the time to assess your own personal situation and then at engage in a conversation about their own personal situation. We’re all responding to what’s going on differently. And I think it’s important to think about where your romantic and intimacy and intellectual and spiritual and social needs are falling and then also your sexual needs. You know, if when people feel depressed and anxious they maybe don’t feel sexy. If people are sitting on their couch eating potato chips to comfort themselves, there’s no better way to feel sexy. There’s slathering yourself and Lay’s potato chips in Greece. Yeah.
Max
Oh,
Hannah
yes, no, but just like not having a date night right and not having a time that’s set aside that you’re like, oh, like I’m gonna feel put together and feel Pretty and do the normal routine that I have that makes me feel sexy and makes me feel like desirable. I think most if not all of us don’t have that in the same way that we did before all this. Yeah. So, yeah, I think that
you know,
Chastain
like when we’re sometimes when we’re sad things like masturbation and porn or they become coping methods and not necessarily I feel sexy and I want to reach out to my partner and get off with my partner methods. And
Erik
so, so bring the fun back to porn.
Max
I mean, that’s that’s real shit, though. And that’s that’s real shit all the time that sometimes you masturbate just to masturbate? Yeah, and then sometimes you’re, it’s full bore recreational.
Chastain
I think we have to be understanding about the fact that cortisol is produced by stress. This is a stress hormone and the more current All that’s going on the less that the male, like testosterone driven body is driven to have sex. it you know, it’s and when, you know, I know I don’t feel very attractive right now I want attention I want to be told I’m pretty I want to feel wanted but those are things that I can’t do for myself right now and I want them from external sources but nobody fucking has the energy to give me that right now. Like so that’s why I’m on lesbian tik tok.
Max
Yeah, you know, we’re all I heard somebody talking yesterday on a podcast about the Korean tin, where everybody’s can 10 pounds because we’re all you know, the only walking we’re doing is from my sofa to the refrigerator back to the sofa.
Chastain
I lost 20 I’m a corn queen.
Max
You know, and we’re mostly living And sweatpants and jammies. And like yeah, it’s and not necessarily painting every day. Like, it’s hard to feel attractive, you know and when you know not that I’m not that I’ve gotten this but like when you get that message that says Like, send me a dick pic like it’s, I don’t know, do you feel it kind of schlubby over here I guess I gotta go shower and shave up job and get my head in the right place and then yeah,
Chastain
I shaved off half my eyebrows. Just Just so I would have to put makeup on one day and now they’re going back and they feel really fuzzy and hair is so light that you can’t tell they’re going back.
Max
Yeah. Right now,
Chastain
like an alien person.
Max
God, we’re all gonna come out of this with fucked up home haircuts, no
Erik
own hair for 17 years.
I knock it Do it.
Chastain
I’m gonna look fabulous.
Max
Okay, I’m gonna come out of this with a fucked up America.
Hannah
We’re planning to give surprise here.
Which does sound like a fun gorging project
Max
my mic and have to get an extension cord for my clippers.
Hannah
People that I like better,
Erik
quicker silencer.
Chastain
I’ve considered shaving parts of my hair off. I’m not going to do it. Thank you. Thank you for not doing that’s why I shaved off parts of my eyebrows.
Max
It had to be some hair, and that’s the hair you chose. Okay,
Hannah
it’s gotta go.
Chastain
No other hair is getting taken care of right?
Erik
Good for pretty good clickers from Amazon and just do it yourself. It’s quite easy. They’re
Chastain
all sold out because everybody everybody is shaping everything and dyeing everything right now. Like shave it bleach on it or die because people are people like people are shaving their heads and then bleaching the fuzz and then dying funky colors and going What the fuck it’s a pandemic I don’t care this is the panic buying
Max
trend it’s a weird yeah it’s a weird like it’s a weird already catch 22 probably is not the right term but like, you know, I can go ahead and dye my hair purple because like work isn’t gonna yell at me because either I don’t have work or I’m not going to work Yeah, but also like what’s the point of dyeing my hair purple because nobody’s gonna see me cuz I’m in the fucking house.
No, they’re picked up
Chastain
secretly.
Max
I mean, I you know, I thought about going back to dyeing my hair funky color. But that was just a like, like you said, chasse. Like, who cares? Like, who cares about anything? What does anything matter?
Erik
So, whatever.
Hannah
We have got more time. record that you’re not gonna do definitively any weird today. The pandemic is not over
Chastain
this time next year.
Max
A bit weird. Make it weirder.
Erik
Yeah, go ahead. Whatever.
Alright.
Max
any conclusions?
Erik
I mean, you I would sum this conversation up with innocence. All we have to do is tweak the variables of what we’ve already been doing. You know what I mean?
Hannah
Steve Bullock flexible.
Chastain
Yeah, stay flexible, so hard to do to don’t make assumptions. Don’t take things personally, right? Be impeccable with your word. And always do your best.
Hannah
And I think
Max
in the end, the love that you take is equal to the love that you make you know what I mean?
Erik
You know, I’m saying
Hannah
that’s deep.
Max
Yes. And that was mine. I made that up. Don’t look it up
Hannah
No. Okay would never pick up a joke or reference of yours. Let it be yours and yours.
Chastain
So I have been trying to create semantic playlists throughout this whole ordeal. And so we want to create a playlist of polyamory non monogamy swinging group sex themed music. So if you have a song that you feel is on that theme, please send it to us. thepod@podpodcvltcast.com
Max
Cvlt with a V
Chastain
@cvltwithav on Instagram, or you can find us on our Patreon just go to podpodcvltcast.com/supportthepod
Hannah
And if it’s just the love triangle song, I reserve the right to reject it.
Chastain
Are you talking about like our love triangle like
Hannah
that song? I mean tail is oldest time
Erik
Yeah, isn’t that
Hannah
Yeah, yes.
Chastain
Yeah, so yeah send that to us and um uh, we just put out a coat cast media club episode where you watch some some clips from the Tamron Hall show. So if you’re interested in that and you want to subscribe to the to our Patreon and support us there because you make the show possible patrons. Thank you. And we’re working on a
Max
future cast media club episode where we’re gonna watch Professor Marston and the Wonder Woman. Yes. And talk about that.
Chastain
Yes. And, and we’ll come up with something else to do.
Max
Well, that’s what our playlist is for right?
Chastain
Oh, no playlist just for fun. Just for fun.
Okay, uh huh.
Hannah
Stay sexy.
Chastain
Stay sexy. Touch those thingies. You’ve been listening to the Pod Pod Cvlt Castwith your hosts, Max Chaston. Hannah and Erik. Our theme song is by Lobo Loco. Our break music is by Goberino with Pale Blue. This podcast is brought to you by our patrons on Patreon at podpodcvltcast.com/supportthepod. Thank you so much for listening.
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- Hosts: Max, Chastain, Hannah, & Erik
- Website: www.podpodcvltcast.com
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- Midroll Music: “The Point Break” by Pale Blue/Goberino
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