#10 Kink & Kilts & Corsets & Tutus

Summary

Do you attend kinky parties? Have you ever wanted to? Well, the Pod throws them! We share our experience and knowledge about the types of parties out there, how to get on the guest list, what to wear, and (most importantly) how to act! Pro Tip: Don’t be an asshole.

This episode is chock full of tips, tricks, advice, and opinions. We aren’t experts, but we throw several parties a year. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is strictly coincidence. No Domly Doms were harmed in the making of this episode.

Follow @podpodcvltcast on Twitter!

Click here to jump to the FULL TRANSCRIPT of this episode.

Terms of Note

Here are some terms and phrases we use in this podcast and links to articles we find informative. If we say something unfamiliar to you, please drop us a line on Twitter @podpodcvltcast FB /podpodcvltcast or email: thepod@podpodcvltcast.com

Resources & References

Kink/BDSM Community Website: Fetlife
Swinger Community Website: SLS
Large Kink Events: Dark Odyssey
Book: The Four Agreements
See the terms list for party resources/how-tos

Episode 10 Transcript

Our transcripts are done by an AI with some brief editing by us to keep our costs free/minimal. If you’d like better transcripts, please consider becoming a Patreon Supporter! If our web version is not comfortable for you to read, try the link at the end that takes you to a version from our transcript-provider.

Max
Howdy, Shipmates, Your Old Pal Max here, alias whiskey dick Calhoun, also known as the captain, just wanted to get at you up top and let you know that we had some Gremlins with this one. And so the audio got kind of funky. And the compensation might seem kind of disjointed, and it skips in a couple places. But we talked about some stuff that we like talking about and maybe even fake Dom 69. We’ll get some good information out of this. And also, we’re not experts. We just talk about stuff from our own experience. Thanks for sticking with us.

Erik
No, we’re not.

Max
Why are you so proud of yourself right now?

Erik
It was like one of those useless YouTube comments, just say first

thing people do.

Erik
They usually do like Knight says first.

Chastain
First. How’s everyone doing this morning?

Max
How are you?

Happy? Yes, you are

Chastain
that the 12 subway tablet, didn’t he right? and coconut water. I’m on top of your eyes. I’m hydrated. I’ve got some vitamins.

You know me rule goofing bowl.

Chastain
Oh, that was a horrible Hank Hill.

Max
You’re a horrible Thank you, Bobby.

Chastain
That was a better Hank hell I mean I’m sorry.

Erik
The only thing they can say, oh,

Chastain
okay, fair. What are we talking about? First we’re talking about party search. We didn’t decide that they were

Max
not really it seemed like you decided by Fiat that that’s what we were doing.

Chastain
I was just making a suggestion. Y’all are welcome to okay.

Caller Welcome

Max
to assert yourself again, Tony. And that what people say he stood for?

Erik
Yeah, I don’t know that for sure. But it when it’s appropriate. Yeah.

Chastain
I think this is the loudest I’ve ever seen Eric speak on this podcast.

Speak again, Eric. screen again.

Max
conscious about it. Oh, You don’t use our ASMR listeners

Chastain
you know i think that the entirety of the ASMR community on YouTube is just like dudes jacket to hot girls going obviously. Tap that’s the whole thing. Okay. All right. Stop whispering into my

Max
adopted the fan of Batman. I was born in it.

Chastain
That was a good that guy.

Erik
Jimmy Stewart.

Mary

Max
that’s my Jimmy Stewart. Oh, Mr. Palmer. I don’t know those. I was born for pain. The Batman movie. Yeah, that guy but I was trying

Chastain
a Harry Potter thing but God damn it.

I’m really lost right now. Welcome.

Chastain
We’ve had I said yeah,

Max
that was that was not great. We had a great moment of the of the time are you gonna do

Chastain
that? I hate the toxic monogamy episode. We all know that I hate the toxic monogamy episode. I’m the one who had to edit it I still have to listen to it again to do the show notes. And I’m not looking forward to it. I’m trying to do it in 15 minutes at a time so that I don’t go insane. I don’t know why I hate that episode so much. I just do I think it came together fine, but hate it.

Erik
Well, good. Let’s convert over the listeners to hate it too.

Chastain
Well, you should listen to it. You should listen to the episode, which is Episode Seven, which I have. No I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to our listeners. Now.

Max
edit this out. No.

We like

Chastain
oh, we’re only talking about things we like. Oh, that’s a shortlist. I like pumpkins. I like pumpkin and round things and act properties on

Max
top of these cephalopods cephalopod. First of all, I like my dogs. I like their tires. mold is a fancy necklace.

Chastain
Glass activities necklace. Yes, yeah, that was a good I had fun at the party. I really enjoyed myself. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a community party. That was a smooth segue. That was a really great transition. Yeah. I took a while since I’ve been to a community party. Do y’all want to speak about parties this morning? We’ve got some questions from listeners. Well, one listener Jen, our Patreon supporter, we love you, Jen. Jenny sent us a little list of questions about like, how to get ready for parties and stuff. So let’s let’s talk about parties this morning.

Welcome to the pod podcast where we talk about life love, learning and libido and share our journey through polyamory. And I’m Hannah, I’m Max.

I’m Chaston.

Erik
I’m Eric. Good job.

No type of circle. We’re doing a really good

Chastain
job. I’m really impressed. I’m really proud of us. Yay. Yeah, so last night, the pod the four of us, filled up our flasks and headed out into the world to ever get to flasks, because that’s just who he is as a person. We headed out and we went to a BDSM community party. And we also host BDSM and sex parties. So yeah, do you want me to start asking questions, or should we go ahead and pop a disclaimer on this episode visa sheets of paper

disclaimer?

Erik
What is this excellent, this is b 12. Baby.

Max
This

is the podcast.

Oh.

This is a podcast. Yes.

Erik
Anyway, the podcast

Jorah podcast.

Erik
This is a podcast where we talk about love and relationships, sex and kink Polycom issues and whatever else comes up.

Chastain
While we talk about those things. We’ll probably also touch on stuff like abuse and violence and mental health challenges. These can be difficult topics. So keep that in mind moving ahead, see, who do I want to ask? I’m gonna ask Anna this morning.

Hi, Anna. Hi. Hi. How are you? Hey, are you waking up? Now? I’m starting to wake up. Yeah, I wasn’t waking up yet. But it’ll get there. That’s okay. You’re

Chastain
doing a good job. Thank you. The first time you went to a kinky or sexy party. Can you tell us what you were feeling?

I think it was one of the Sunday afternoon parties, which is always close in the daylight. And often you walk out in the daylight and often you walk out in the daylight and it’s like, you still have half of a sudden the evening to go. It was all weird because I was going to church in the morning, playing piano. And then I would go to party

Max
in the afternoon kind of codes code like code switching. Yes, Alan sweat Until a party on Saturday night and then getting up Sunday morning.

Yeah, exactly. Yes. Yeah. So it was actually better my sleep patterns to do to do a Sunday evening.

Chastain
So how did you find this party?

Um, I had started seeing drag at that club. So I kind of knew that it was there, but I was finding parties on fetlife gotcha, gotcha. Event steer me that we’re open to the public. How long have you been on fetlife? Okay.

Erik
Okay. Cool. All right. Next, continue.

Max
Yes. How did you find your first party, you and I started going into events through a group that we found through fetlife that was poly am and kink focused. And we started going to their munches. And shortly thereafter, went to one of their play parties, which at that time were hosted in a house a private residence. Yeah, preferences. Yeah. And you and I had no idea what to expect. Yeah. Ideal How to Dress no idea what was gonna happen. It was a nervous making experience walking through the door for the first time. It really was. It really was. I remember that. I remember my first party very well. And I remember standing and facing either you or the wall. When you left me to go get a drink or what have you. I would turn around and face the wall.

Chastain
Like I was that level of nervous and didn’t know what to expect and didn’t want to interact with people. Even though I knew I met some of the people before through the lunches, but I was very, very nervous. Eric.

Yes. Good morning. All right.

Chastain
Hi. How are you this morning? Okay. Did you sleep? Well? Yeah. Good. So your first party. Tell me about your experience?

Erik
Well, I’m not sure which one I would consider the first party go.

Chastain
That wasn’t a party. That was my

Erik
demo. But for all intents and purposes that

Chastain
will tell me how you felt think walking in the door because Okay, so that club you had to meet I had to meet, come meet you with the door. How did you feel that night?

Erik
Um, there was a bit of nervous anxiety, but not much because it was also going to a club down that part of town, which is to me by and large, just a silly affair anyway. So that kind of offset some of it.

Chastain
Okay, so what about your first party here? Because I think that was your first party party credit was,

Erik
was that was a little more anxiety ridden? Because I don’t know because it wasn’t out in public, which is kind of backwards. Yeah. But yeah, I guess I just didn’t really have any kind of idea what to expect at all, and I didn’t know anybody that was here other than you really. And yeah, it was a whole lot of Well, hey, this is a bunch of shit I don’t know about but I didn’t, you know, standard Face the wall.

Max
It doesn’t matter. Like what kind of Party is when the host is the only person you know, that is a hard door to walk through.

Erik
Right? Exactly. Yeah. And yeah, it wouldn’t really have mattered what was going on in the party. That’s probably how it would have felt anyway.

Chastain
Yeah, I think that my party plan has been to invite a group of people to the party with me. And make sure to of course, make sure it’s a quick k with the hosts and go through the proper vetting processes and all that stuff. But to make sure that I have a group of friends that I know at the party, and either there are people who are new and are checking it out. And so I get to sort of be, they get to be my baby ducks, and I get to be mama duck and show them all the things or it’s people that are experienced, and had been there before. So I feel like I have a little private party within the party bubble, and it helps me feel less anxious in those environments.

Max
You know, I think you and I were fortunate to that those were the first parties that we went to testing with that particular group in that particular house, because it was a really good atmosphere. It was a positive atmosphere, and it was a big group at the time. There were a lot of people the parties were big You kind of get lost in the corral to a certain degree. And we met, you know, a lot of good friends who were the kind of outgoing party Ambassador types, you know, like, grab your hand and show you where the food is. Right? Make sure you feel okay about

Chastain
I and I try to be that now when people come to parties and I got to be that last night we went to, we went to the party, I volunteered and so I was greeter for a while and I, I don’t I’ve never greeted at the party. Oddly enough. That’s always the like the newbie thing that you’re supposed to do is to to greet and I hadn’t ever done it. It was so much fun. I had so much fun. I’m usually busy doing other stuff, usually hitting people or something.

Max
We have, you know, one of our friends, one of the Friends of the house, who always volunteers is our greeter.

Chastain
Like our official greeter. Yeah, does such a great job.

Max
He does a great job and it really works out. But we get to pair new people with him. Uh huh. To help and guide people the right way. Yeah. And it gives them an opportunity to meet people as they come in and kind of everybody’s nice No, I mean, yeah, I really like the idea of mentorship and the party environment because especially people, people who are nervous, are typically going to function better if they have something to do. So I have a lot of people who volunteer with us, that are like, Hey, I don’t know anybody, and I’m new. But I want to come and help. Can I just come help? And watch? Yeah, absolutely. You can come help. And watch. We always need helping hands. Yeah. As we’re, you know, talking. You know, right now, we’re talking about going to parties. I think we’re probably going to talk about hosting parties later. Right. Yeah. As we’re talking about going to parties, you know, the parties that are available locally, and the events that are a few different kinds. Yeah, yeah. And we have been to house parties that are mostly kink focused, you know, so display parties, meaning there’s going to be some furniture or there’s going to be an opportunity BDSM furniture, there’s gonna be an opportunity for different kinds of play, right? They’re typically you know, tops looking the top and bottoms looking for tops

Chastain
on top of them. I think, I think a norm and The rich man community is there’s a play board board where you can sign up with what you have to offer.

Max
And there wasn’t one last night it was Oh, because that was a different kind.

Chastain
That was a different environment. That was a carnival and more of like a torture garden experience. Yeah, there’s usually a board where you can, you know, put where you’re interested in and curious about and that way people can come find you based on your fat name. So it’s still anonymous. Nobody’s learning your real name. But we’ve also been to house parties that are more

Max
more house party like focus wasn’t say more sex is

Erik
Yeah, there’s a triumvirate we’re working with here.

Yeah, yeah.

Chastain
So we’ve, we’ve had the more sex focus parties we have then there are, I’ve been to swinger parties, which are different thing. And then there are the mostly kink parties. And some kink groups allow sex and some don’t. I think most of them do around here now, but that’s changed over time. And then there’s also a difference between an open party in a closed party and a private party. So you know, an open party is if you RSVP You can get in, they’ll do whatever vetting they do. But mostly you can just get in usually it’s you, so long as you know about it. And you can get your name on the list, you can go. And then there are the more in person vetted parties where you need to go to a couple of lunches for a group before you get to go to one of their parties, at least have someone who can, who can vouch for you. Exactly, yeah. And that’s the BDSM community and the polyamory community around here in Richmond are very good about self policing. And then you have your, your close. So those are more closed parties, because it does require vetting and it requires somebody meet you face to face or know you face to face for you to be able to come and then and then there are the private parties, which are not affiliated with any specific groups. They are just, you know, the person, you know the host or you know, somebody who’s going and you happen to get invited, but they’re like the fun secret parties. And I enjoy that element of them of the private parties. It’s sort of like it’s all about who you know. Because I think one of our first private parties was one of those like, Oh, well, not everybody gets invited, and not everybody gets to go. So it felt exclusive and felt special to get to go. But it turns out, it’s really just about privacy and protecting people’s identities. And it’s not really about exclusivity.

Max
Well, and I think that that aspect will go also means that you might try to mind your manners a little bit better.

Yes.

Erik
That’s funny. I always thought of that more in terms of scope. Just how big it is. Sometimes you’ll have a private one, just because you don’t want to have a big shindig. That’s true.

Chastain
That’s true. Yeah, I think I think parties around here average about 40 people, right? If you if you took all of the groups, I’m talking about group parties, if you took all of the groups and when I say groups, I mean community groups or fetlife groups, or meetup groups or meetup groups too, and you average it out. So usually, you can expect at least 30 to 40 people

Max
probably like at a given time because right it’s okay people flow in and these are like parties like yeah,

Chastain
people do flow and some parties do have a set arrive time And you need to get there at a certain time and so forth. But most for the most part, you just kind of come and go. Yeah. So let’s talk about let’s talk about, like going to a party and sort of preparing for a party and you know what to bring what to wear. After you RSVP to a party, just let them know. So for headcount, mainly for whatever party it is, typically you’ll get the address afterwards. It’s not that everybody knows where the parties are all the time. I think it’s been our experience that once you RSVP and they go through whatever vetting process then you get a message typically on fetlife with the with the address we send emails out to our house affiliates Okay, so we talked about fact that all of us pretty much you’re also wearing a hat Saturday

Oh, it’s had her day right?

Chastain
God damn everybody’s got hats on sent me and Hannah that’s not really everybody. That’s not at all Oliver Do you want to put your head on buddy? Yeah. Oh Oliver’s Paul your breakfast stinky donkey. Can I go Most of us found parties on fetlife, except for Eric, who found parties through me. And so that’s a that’s a way you can also access the community. If you have a friend who identifies as polyamorous or kinky, you know, and they mentioned a party or set or you can ask them for information. Don’t expect them to give it to you. But you can ask them for information. And they’ll typically say, Well, I went to fetlife. And I clicked on the Events tab. And then I looked at the events. And then I went, let’s talk about what we bring to parties. Max, what do you like to bring to a play party? And when I say play party, I mean sex or kink or whatever, just going to umbrella tournament,

Max
they typically have. I mean, the ones that we’ve been to typically are some kind of potluck arrangement. So there’s usually an available list of what they’re looking for food wise. So, you know, we typically try to bring some of that whatever’s off the list, but as far as personalized stuff, oh, so I don’t take any kind of toys. Impact tools, anything like that? I don’t do a lot of open play. If I do, it’s usually at our parties, not in other people’s parties. So the only other thing that I might take if it is a booze friendly party and not all parties are booze friendly, is you know, whatever I want to drink for the evening.

Chastain
Okay. Yeah, I think that’s something we should mention too, is that not all parties allow alcohol, because it can affect consent. If you’re an abraded, your consent is affected. And we want to make sure that everybody’s being safe, everybody’s playing safely. Everybody is aware and enthusiastically consenting to what’s going on. And they’re, even though having a drink or two might lower your boundaries a little bit, make you feel more comfortable. You can make mistakes in those environments and touch things you’re not supposed to touch people you’re not supposed to. So typically, drinking and especially drinking to access is discouraged. The party we went to last night they asked that if you do plan to drink, it’s absolutely fine to drink. Please do so after you finish playing and and enjoying the offerings last night the party we went to was a kind of a torture garden like thing it was in the you know, Georgia gardens or things that have all over the world. It’s basically like a garden of delights. It’s a you get to sample things. There were some impact there was. There were some cool furniture there to try out. There were some turret torture things. There were some more edge play stuff like knives and needles and stuff like that. And you could sample it in a safe environment and get a little taste of what it’s like. So you can ask questions and find out if it’s something you like.

Hannah, what do you bring to parties been sticking close to home or at least I have lately, but I always like to bring a blanket or towel after I play.

Chastain
So like aftercare item? Exactly. Yeah. Awesome. Eric, what do you bring to parties

Erik
usually as little as possible? Because it’s things to keep up with. It’s true. I don’t feel like you can go With things that a party

Chastain
well typically you have a flask class, sometimes a change of clothes, sometimes sometimes a towel or bathing suit or something bendy, depending on the party. Okay, so the I’m the one who takes the most

Max
easily Yeah, things can take.

Chastain
Sometimes I have a suitcase full of implements and things. Sometimes it’s just a bag if I’m taking just a bag usually it has things like strap on Chuck’s pads wipes toy cleaner implements to hit people with pokey things sharp things

Max
which are not, you don’t really carry aftercare items. Generally,

Chastain
I don’t typically carry an after item, I will take a blanket with me if I know that I’m going to need it. Or I also take blankets or a sheet or something if I know that I’m going to be sexually active at a party because even though there are Chuck’s pads, I like to be on a surface that I cleaned. That’s a thing for me, you know Chuck’s? Exactly, because you can put, you can put Chuck Chuck pads or like absorbent puppy pads or hospital bed pads. You can just put them under the blanket. And then it is much more comfortable and you also don’t stick to the touchpad. So I’ll take that I do carry electrolyte powder with me now I there’s some Pedialyte in the little things, so I can just mix it with a cup, or a packet of emergency electrolytes, which doesn’t have any sugar in it. I don’t typically take snacks with me at all, because there’s usually food at a party. If there’s cheese and some crackers or bread, I’m happy. That’s my aftercare. My after aftercare for me is typically downtime or quiet time. So I don’t really need a lot but I do take a lot of toys depending on the situation.

Max
Yeah, and your your kit is is a rolling suitcase bag like carry on bag, which is what most people carry. And it’s really funny to me that to see like a string of people walking in with their carry on bag, you know, like they’re headed to the airport. Yeah, but also a lot of impact. Toys don’t fit in them. So there’s often like a crop sticking out of the top. Yeah, it’s very funny to me to watch. We have a gravel walk outside. Everybody has to come through. So the next morning I always go out and they’re like wheel tracks. A little bit.

Chastain
Yeah. And we have, we have some friends who do chain bondage and they bring buckets of chain. hundreds of pounds on Yeah. Yeah, it’s pretty hilarious. Um, but yeah, I see. I mean, some people bring their whole toy collection because they don’t know what they want to do. And they just carry the whole thing every year one rolling

Erik
bag just ain’t enough.

Now they’re like, yeah,

Erik
and basically make a couple of trips.

Max
Yeah, yeah. entertainer, pool cue case. Gun cases. Hmm. For all those like longer impact stuff. It’s really it’s interesting that the solutions people workout.

Chastain
So what would you suggest to somebody who’s never been to a play party before? Let’s create this imaginary person who’s going to a play party. We will name this person Let’s name this person. We’re gonna name them name of Russ. Russ. Okay, so so Russ is our imaginary first time party goer. Let’s say he’s like, he’s just like, average

Max
average he’s going by

Chastain
solo dude going by himself, which are, you know, they’re probably the people who have the most barriers to entry. Because women are more likely to get approved and vetted quickly to go to parties. And so our couples good and bad read for good and bad reasons and but a solo it doesn’t necessarily need to be single just need to be alone, a dude by himself of any creed, religion or whatever, is going to have problems getting into a party. And probably making those connections

Max
depending on the party like you. Open party then then typically not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we don’t 69 from fetlife. Yes, show. Yeah.

Chastain
So Russ Donnelly, Dawn 69. That’s probably a name of that life, so we probably shouldn’t say that. Um, so so Ross, our imaginary person or 160 Canadian 65 named Tom 69 on battle. is going to a party for the first time and Ross has gone about life found an event clicked I’m going and gotten a message with the address on the rules now needs to pack a bag of stuff to be prepared first party may play may not what do you suggest recirculate brings

Erik
observant nature.

Chastain
Okay, can you elaborate upon

Max
your bag? Ross? Yes.

Erik
Yeah, I’d say more than any tangible implements that one should bring. They should bring a proper attitude towards it.

Chastain
Okay, so a good attitude. A good an open attitude. A knowledge of consent would be something I would throw in that toolbag, certainly.

Max
consent. Okay. Well, let’s get back to actual stuff.

Yeah, uh huh. Whatever it is that you need to be comfortable because if you’re going if you’re showing up when you brought your good attitude, that’s open hearted, then what you need is a nobody’s gonna judge you for that and you are not expected to Breakfast, right.

Chastain
And so we’ve talked about some stuff that we need to be comfortable in a setting. So route really anything I highly, highly suggest. And I include this anytime I send out invitations, or party information, I advise people to bring their aftercare items, you know, you don’t know if food to the party is going to be food that you like, bring a snack, you know, there will typically be water apart, parties were really good and in this community about hydration, but it’s still always a good idea to bring a water bottle just in case you can fill it up in the sink. It’s also I think, a really, really good idea to bring some form of electrolyte stuff because your blood sugar can crash after you play, especially if you’re playing for our first time or it’s in parties or it’s kind of a stressful situation. So a blanket or a towel. Because if even if, if anything else, you might want to get naked and sit down somewhere. Don’t sit on people’s furniture with your bare ass. That’s gross. Yeah, that’s nasty. Yeah,

Max
yeah. And also like, it is your First time probably don’t go overboard when people are showing up for the first time here and I know that they’re new to community stuff and they do bring just the whole kit and caboodle. Yeah, really roll my eyes like that. Just pump the brakes. Sorry that Yeah,

Chastain
yeah, don’t bring all your toys and, and also don’t try to do all the things and yeah, it just be chill. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I always want people if you feel like approaching somebody for play, I encourage that because if you don’t ask, you won’t know whether you can play with them. However, don’t like ask Don’t be obvious and ask every single person of the gender you prefer. Right to play with you because then you’re being a sleazy pickup artist.

Max
So how do we feel about not I’m not talking about your friends on commit people you already know. But like, scanning the because fetlife shows assuming this is an event that’s own fetlife and that life shows who was RSVP Yeah, to go to things. How do we feel about Russ scanner. Through and seeing who he wants to contact about, Hey, would you like to do something with me at this party? I feel like cold calling.

Chastain
I feel like cold calling is perfectly acceptable, okay? Because and this is why most events on fetlife will say that if you don’t want to RSVP, you can publicly so that people know you’re going, you can always contact the event coordinator and send them a message and they can privately put you on the RSVP list or the guest list or what have you or the approved list. And that way your information is not out there on fetlife. If you are RSVP to an event on fetlife, your profile is there and people can click on your profile and read it because it is a community and it’s it’s designed to be a social networking site. So people are going to socially network with you. I think it is absolutely okay to send somebody a message and say, Hey, I see that you’re RSVP to this event. I am interested in doing this kind of play. Is this something that you would be interested in? that’s acceptable. It is not actually To go like, Hey baby, submit to me submit to me at this event, I will call you then in that, like, that’s not cool.

Max
So as in all things the message is Be respectful and cool about it. Yes.

Chastain
And honor consent, ask for permission, as opposed to saying, I want to do this to you know, we don’t want to do anything to me, you gross. So yeah.

And I would say, like you were saying, you know, it’s gonna stand out if you’re just going around asking everybody I would say, if you are new, and you’re approaching 20 different people saying, Hey, how’s it going? What are you into? What are your plans for the night? No problem, right? If it’s, I want to do this thing. Are you into it? How about your friend? Yeah, I think going around, like that’s kind of that’s the awkward kind of on the spot moment that something like a whiteboard when you show up or a discussion thread on fetlife beforehand, can kind of like allow you to advertise what you are bringing to the party.

Chastain
Yeah, that’s a great point. Hook up threads. So hook up threads are basically you know, they’ll have a link to a group post or a writing on a profile somewhere. That is a place where you can post what you’re looking for is basically the online whiteboard. And the hook up threads are where you can scan through and see who’s offering what kind of play and who’s looking for play, and then you can respond to them either in that post or by a message. The thing that I like about hook up, hook up Fred’s hook up Fred, about hook up threads is that it does allow you to pre negotiate play before parties in our community pickup play, which is play that you just like jump into at a party and you haven’t really talked about with anybody. You just kind of find somebody and play with them is not the norm. Typically people come to parties with a plan in our area. They typically come with negotiated scenes and ideas. And the only time that they really engage in any pickup play is if it’s more of a sexual environment. Or it’s more of this torture garden experience where it’s just kind of a carnival ride and it does seem like mostly people play with room partners?

Max
Yes. You know, dance with the one that brung you.

Yes,

yes. Mostly they do. Yeah. Is it because there’s resources? Is it because the atmosphere

Max
I think often it’s, you know, most people don’t have in their home at least not set up in the loop. So yeah, I think that it’s access to furniture, it’s access to space.

Erik
And it’s access to an audience. And

Max
yeah, another wrinkle watch. I

Chastain
don’t think that’s a wrinkle. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with

Max
the wrinkle kind of layer.

Chastain
Yeah, layer. Yeah, I I think that oftentimes, too, you know, sometimes people live in apartment environments or environments where they don’t have a lot of privacy or they live with family, children, and they don’t want to engage in certain kink practices. I mean, sometimes hitting people with stuff can be very loud. Yeah,

Max
you got a three year old sleeping in the next room. You’re probably not like doing a rough body play. Exactly. I

Chastain
mean, spanking can be loud, too. So yeah, I enjoy playing in a party environment because One, it’s an opportunity to play with people I don’t usually play with. So even if I tip, I typically have a partner present. But for me, I like to do a lot of service shopping. And that’s a way for me to keep my skills fresh. Because if people are coming to me and asking me to play then as an opportunity for me to play in a way that is different than my usual stuff with my partner, but if it’s just with my partner, usually I stick to more sexual stuff and don’t do kinky stuff in the public arena with my partner.

Max
Well, you know, and even for us who have I’m looking over the ceiling right now have the furniture up all the time and available, like none of us go up there when there’s not a party going on. And

Chastain
so, there’s something magical about the spaces of party space. Yeah. You only you only use it for party stuff. The problem that I see the only problem that I see with with people who go to parties strictly to play in front of other people, is that I think that performing IV kink can be dangerous. I think that when you’re playing to the audience as opposed to playing to the person you’re playing with is dangerous because you’re not focused on your top or your bottom or whatever is going on in that scene. So

Max
and even though it is a party and people don’t know why they’re coming there and whether they’re coming into their our consent, when there’s by standard, and you’re seeing making them part of your scene without their active and ongoing consent,

Chastain
yeah, I’ve been involved in a scene and somebody has waved a quiet goodbye to me, or did give me the quick Are you huggable like for a quick hug goodbye out, but it’s typically in a situation where my bottom is blindfolded and safe. And I’ve checked in and I’m standing near them and it’s quiet so it’s not interrupting the scene. It’s just a quick thing or, or because of because of the host. Sometimes there will be party issues that come up that I’m the only one is available to deal with it, but I’m also in the middle of a scene so I have that person responsible

Max
actually talking about the other way I’m talking about if you don’t have the ongoing consent of the person who just happens to be standing nearby, right, while you’re performing a scene, you know, people do try to engage the crowd and try to bring them into the room. even cross

my mind or that Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Should I let her such and such? Yeah,

Chastain
yeah, I don’t like that. I feel very uncomfortable. That didn’t even cross my mind just now. Because that’s so that’s really distressing to me. And I don’t like that at all. And I do.

I was just gonna say, I think that’s a great skill and that there is a place for it. As long as the event is really set up towards performance. Yes. Because that requires really consented everybody, right.

Erik
I would also say that that’s just one avenue of performance, that performance that’s audience oriented. Sure. There’s plenty of other performative things that I’ve seen that the audience is purely a separated audience, like what we like the rope thing that we did went to that one time.

Chastain
Well, yeah, that was that

Erik
was a formative Yeah, right, very performative. And it,

Chastain
but it was more like, like a demo, it was more like people demonstrating their skills in front of a group of people, as opposed to which

Erik
is also performative.

If you say that audience participation

Chastain
as opposed to a play party,

Erik
yes, yes, yes. What I mean, though, is that a lot of things that I have seen have had that performance aspect to it, but they’re not including any observers. And I think that’s perfectly fine.

Chastain
It’s like a show. Yes, yeah. We’ve done we’ve done we’ve done shows here

Erik
that were specifically designed for there to be an audience and then there to be a scene that the audience is watching and that’s part of the scene, but the audience is not participating, or if they are, it’s in a consented, you know, pre like previously talked about negotiated way. Yeah, right. And that’s where I’m driving it is that a lot of the times where it’s it is something that is pre planned, and all of it lends itself to that. Whereas the pickup stuff, that’s where you run into the risk of people not necessarily paying attention to what it is that going on in the moment, because they’re trying to make a moment. You know what I mean?

Chastain
Yeah, I get that. Well, you know, I think I, as somebody who when I play at parties, I typically have a little bit of an audience, the idea of trying to pull my audience into my scene makes my skin crawl. And I don’t understand that need. But there are times when I’m teaching where that’s a completely separate thing because it has to be more of an icebreaker to encourage interaction and so forth. And that’s perfectly acceptable environment. A lot of parties especially in our area, they will have a demo, they will have somebody demonstrating a skill or talking about a topic or some kind of clothing or fashion related to the lifestyle etc.

Max
and which is an icebreaker thing it is it’s the whole thing is an icebreaker, get the ball rolling. Yeah, get somebody naked. Yeah, you know, get some play happening

Chastain
now at our parties, which are private parties with a very vetted guest list. We typically don’t have a demo. If we do it. Later in the evening and it’s something that’s just a special thing that we’re doing our icebreaker we don’t really have to have an icebreaker because we have experienced players and we have but Ross wouldn’t be invited to this party because Ross our newbie is he’s out there just go into the groups and seeing the sights. What should Ross wear?

Max
Yeah, there’s a lot of parties have a dress code. The dress code will typically say something along the lines of you know, fetish were encouraged. But do you have to worry about it? We’re talking I don’t Yeah, we see. Maybe half the people that show up at our parties are wearing t shirts and jeans. You and I tested? How are just people who like to dress Yeah, we do. So we’ve always worn you know, at very least for myself a collared shirt. I usually wear a tie.

Chastain
I typically almost always wear a dress or or lingerie. That’s just

Max
our choice. Right? You know, nobody enforces that.

Chastain
I mean there are people who Choose to be naked the entire party. That’s a great choice as well, please bring a towel or blanket to sit on.

Max
So basically, there’s like a costume element. Yeah, parties.

Chastain
Sometimes Yeah. And that can help you decide what to wear. You know, there’s typically a very specifically outlined dress code, and our local fetish club has an outlined dress code that’s very clear cut. So if you’re never if you’re not sure what to wear to party, the best answer for that is ask.

Max
Right? Ask somebody you know, I’ve had people ask me the first time they’ve come here for stuff, what should I wear? And I always tell them like, whatever you’re comfortable in, within the dress code within the dress code, whatever you’re comfortable in, but like think about what you would wear to a club or a bar like if you were you know, going out on like, what you would do to put some effort into it a little bit. Yeah,

Chastain
yeah. Our parties. We do have a we had to do it. We have a we have a stricter dress code that applies apparently everybody but Eric, and our dress code is

Max
he wears his nice cargo shorts.

Chastain
Our dress code is typically cocktail attire or fetish or lingerie or lover or naked or nothing at all. But you know we like people to dress up a little bit because that’s a more formal environment but that doesn’t mean absolutely not required. And if you know what if you’re coming from work What if you which we see a lot we do see a lot the thing is people change so if if you’re entering an establishment One thing to keep an eye out for with dress code stuff is if they tell you it’s vanilla to the door or street close to the door

Max
always is which is always a walk down the street where

Chastain
the rest doesn’t know that’s because dresses a newbie, so that’s fair. So you know before Ross puts on his leather chaps, maybe Ross should wear his nice cargo shorts into the party and then change if there’s a change in location or change in the bathroom. We provide changing area and our for a or the foyer for max. And then there are some parties where we’ve seen a bedroom that is dedicated to put all your stuff in here. Put all your bags you know, I prefer people put their bags where where they’re told to go as opposed to carrying their shit everywhere.

Max
Yeah. And people will often sort of try to sneak into the play space early to swap their stuff. Yeah. And it’s

Chastain
Yeah, like, no, keep your stuff out of the play space until you’re ready to play.

Yeah, yeah. So I think you know, important things for new people go into parties is like read the rules, and the guidelines of the party you’re going to and very often you will be handed a set of rules coming through the door, or there will be rules taped to the wall, yes. Or there’s going to be

Chastain
a copy of the message to you or a link or what have you. You know, what we do is we actually as part of your RSVP is is known that you agree to the rules and such. And then for new people, if we do have somebody who’s never been here before, we take them into the office and spend some time to go over the rules with them or that’s part of our greater shop

Max
when we’re talking about dress code and talking about the way that people dress for parties Is this where we talk about the confluence Cancun kilts,

Chastain
yes.

Erik
Oh, yeah. Well, what

Chastain
Cancun kilts course it makes you choose Yeah, standard dress code for a cake party when all else fails wear like a polo shirt and a kilt or if you’re if you’re a person who would like to feel a little lovely or that evening wear a corset and a tutu, and you’re good to go,

right. Although really for anyone who owns a kilt any event is an event, isn’t it?

Max
Yes is true weddings killed and I own five

Chastain
Irish our kilt.

Max
Yeah, well, I think it’s just I mean, I was kidding, of course, but I really think it’s just it’s an environment that invites the same sort of person who would own a killer.

Erik
When I say Fair enough, I’d never with my own eyes. Seeing seeing people wearing kilts. You’ve seen

Chastain
8 million people wearing kilts

Max
for now. Oh, eating you know, it’s not a thing and it’s funny. To your life. It’s funny like how many conversations there are about kills like oh, where’d you get that one? What brand is that girl? Five brands? Yeah, everybody has

Chastain
we have friends who actually work with a company and so yeah,

I have a friend who has just started sending me photos whenever she sees kilts or like a place where you can buy cattle it’s like your people understand why this exists.

Erik
I have no kids.

When I I don’t need one

Chastain
when I went to winter fire to have cargo kilts,

they do they do yeah.

Erik
I do like pockets. I wouldn’t want to give up pockets for extra leg freedom.

Chastain
It’s mostly about Wang freedom.

Erik
Yeah, the extra thick

Chastain
when I went to winter for

Erik
that setup,

Chastain
you’re welcome beach. Well, um,

Max
when I went tripod for no reason.

Chastain
When I went to winter fire, there is an entire floor of the hotel where the event is where the conventions held that is for vendors and they vent between certain hours. And so when I went this was my one and only winter fire experience, friends of mine were actually vending there and so they were just kind of stuck there all day, like hanging out in their hotel room with all their merch. And like, and you just like so I would go up and say, Hey, but in go around to all the vendors but like kilts and leather things, and Spanky things are the things that you will always be able to find any kinky convention ever latex, latex, oh, sometimes latex, not always. But generally,

Max
and I’m thinking of the smaller sale thing that happens at our club here. There’s always like the one latex vendor.

Chastain
Yeah, there’s a vendor from Virginia Beach that comes down. Yeah, that’s really nice stuff. Um, so yeah. So where are something that you’re comfortable in that falls within the dress code? And if you don’t know, if what you’re wearing falls within the dress code, please ask. I think that’s the that’s the one thing that we could really if just society is Whole would just ask more questions that would be great.

Don’t assume something that’s in your comfort zone in any of these dress

Chastain
Exactly. You don’t have to spend a lot of money you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars

Max
in a polo shirt we’ll carry along way

Erik
Yeah, so wouldn’t kill you to run an iron over those clothes.

Chastain
I mean throw them in a dry with an ice cube and you’re good to go. I’m so rusty. Like what if Ross you know is interested in wearing more feminine clothes in that environment? Absolutely. Exactly. Absolutely. So let’s make sure that we’re not like

Max
you’re right European

Chastain
gender gaps not be gender normative because you know maybe Russ wants to wear made up made outfit. Seen cool maids outfits and things like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, um, so we have, we have friends who go all out and dress to the nines and where they’re like crazy fetish stuff. And then we have friends 15 minutes, usually 15 minutes and then they change and and also we have friends Who do they have? Like, they show up and they’ve had a long day and they’ve been taking kids to ballgames or whatever. And I show up in like, leggings and a shirt or what have you. And it’s, you know, we’re not going to kick somebody out necessarily for a dress code violation. But if you if for some reason, you can’t fall within the dress code, send the hosts a message and just say, Hey, I gotta come from work. Here’s my situation, Is this okay? and nine times out of 10. They’ll say okay, but if you just show up and don’t say anything to anybody, like then you’re the asshole. Yeah, we try to end our parties. We try to create an environment for everybody to enjoy it, it seems and feels elevated in some way. So Ross is going to first party Russ has a bag packed with with Flogger and some kind of crop like thing, a change of clothes, and a towel and some aftercare items. So Ross has bags packed. Ross is getting ready to head to the party that day and is walking in the door for the first time. What can Russ expect to see at, say, a house party. So as

Max
soon as he walks through the door, he’s going to see a greeter. Yeah, leader is going to have a clipboard with a list of maybe fetlife handles on it. Sometimes your your government name, that person is going to check you out check you in, it’s going to give you a set of rules sometimes. And once you do the rules on the wall, they’re gonna tell you where you can drop your bag, where you can drop your potluck item if you have one. And and that’s it. That’s us, generally speaking, right? We

Chastain
we asked for photo illegal got valid government identification, to confirm age and also identity for vetting purposes. I run some quick background stuff, just to make sure that there are no criminal offenses, no sexual offenses, stuff like that, just to make sure that that we’re providing a safe environment for our guests. That does require people provide me their full legal name. So there’s a lot of trust there. Russ has a job where Russ can’t be outed, as kinky or you know, going to fuck parties. So rust doesn’t probably run What if rust doesn’t want his name out there

Max
in all things send a message to the host if it’s a fetlife events and that message if it’s through some other means like ours we have a private website do stuff for there’s gonna be some contacts.

Chastain
There are a lot of groups on Facebook Now there are a lot of groups arranging things on Facebook, there’s

Max
gonna be some kind of contact information somewhere and you can send a message to the host about any question you have that’s gonna be the the overarching answers to those

Chastain
whatever, you know, Ross is RSVP to this party and gotten all excited and ready and then is not comfortable fulfilling a requirement to attend this party is Russ owed entry to this party. So how do we feel about that this is something that we’ve experienced a lot of we have experienced a lot of entitlement to our space and our parties.

Max
Especially since we’re talking about house parties. We’re talking about someone’s home, right like they’re private. These aren’t these aren’t public. venue, nobody is in a place required to allow anybody else to enter their home. You know, it doesn’t matter why it doesn’t matter if I don’t like your moustache, nobody is required to allow you to enter their home if they don’t want you to.

Chastain
And if you do enter the home, they are permitted to ask you to leave at any time. Anytime.

Max
Yes, because you have a consent violation but

Chastain
right. That’s right. And the thing is, is not to take that personally and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or awful behavior book

Max
about like, not taking things personally. Oh

Chastain
my gosh, I’ve already mentioned don’t make assumptions. Like I’m, I’m, I’m just on the Four Agreements, every fucking episode. Yeah.

Sometimes people get confused. You know, it seems so simple. Whenever you phrase it that way, like, Hey, this is my home and I’m going to bed so get out. So our

Chastain
friends get to go to this party. Why can’t I go to this party?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I think I talked about community and we talk about community groups. There’s a service. You know, this is something that everybody should have access to. To and there’s not necessarily the level of discernment about differences between groups and houses,

Chastain
and Ross’s new and doesn’t know anything about this stuff so so that those subtleties and intricacies may not stand out and be clear to us.

So hopefully needs to bring something to Ross’s attention. It’s done so in a way that is meant to educate this meant to inform not meant to judge and blame somebody new for not understanding the context that they’ve just walked into. And as long as you’re open to that,

Chastain
so last question. Sometimes there are entry fees to or require donation or asked for donation or suggested donation for party spaces. What if Russ, you know, Russ has had a hard week and just doesn’t have the cash right now. Can Russell go to that party?

Max
Generally there’s if if that’s the setup, if there’s a ask for donation, or a straight out entry fee Generally there’s volunteer in some way. Take out trash cleanup after help set up furniture. There’s some sort of take the place of that fee or donation. That’s a hardship or if you would just prefer to, you know, yeah, that’s fine too. That’s the thing that we offer.

If you’re enjoying the pod podcast, check out our podcast show notes at pod pod podcast calm. Or keep up with us on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook at pod podcast, and Instagram at KOAT with a V. love us, rate us on Apple podcasts or help us continue to make this podcast possible by becoming a patron. Head to patreon.com slash pod podcast. Remember, that’s cool with a V. patrons get access to exclusive content like our podcast media club. This month we’re talking about Paris is burning the vagina Bible and the musician lizard. Thank you so much to our patrons Jenny Sydney and Kate

Chastain
We took a quick break, we were talking about our imaginary newbie solo dude trying to go out to parties, Russ, and sort of some things that he should, you know, think about in terms of etiquette and stuff like that. One thing that we didn’t talk about was what we refer to affectionately as the schpeel. Anybody want to give me a rundown on what the schpeel is

Max
typically at a party, specifically a house party, whoever’s hosting it, whether it is the homeowner themselves or the group, when so when you Come in this was actually without, you know, when you come in after the whole greeter thing, usually for the first hour for the case of our of our Russ. Yeah, you know, those guys hang out on their phones hanging out on the phones leaning into the wall and look comfortable.

Erik
Or they do the opposite. And they talk to a whole bunch of people. And then this is a very common thing that I’ve heard from new people is

Max
Man, these are like normal people. Yeah. But then yeah, so what is usually the way to transition from coming in getting settled to the actual party is the schpeel whiskey.

Chastain
I hate this feel. Like everybody hates this feel. I think the people who like the spiel are the people who talk during the spiel, the people who interact with the spiel giver,

Max
right? Yeah, so the host non consensually, the host will stand up and welcome everyone. And, and give you a quick rundown of where things are, what’s happening, what’s available, and sometimes sometimes hit the basic rules and remind you of the rack rules. What’s the rack rules? Yes,

Chastain
rack is risk aware consensual kink. And rack is basically the the idea that you know that you’re engaging in something that is dangerous. Please understand the risks involved in that activity, and understand that you’re consenting to it.

Max
So we probably have talked about that before, but

Chastain
it will there’s also the safe, sane and consensual. But kink is not safe. Anything that involves inflicting pain or distress on the body is not safe. There’s always the chance that somebody could go into shock and for anybody out there new or experienced or wherever you fall on that spectrum, know the signs of shock and under and know your body signs. Think about things like aftercare beforehand. It helps everybody else out.

Max
So they’ll run down a few things and then turn everybody loose. That’s what she said. Exactly.

Feel heckler.

Feel heckler. Yeah.

Max
Yeah. And everybody gets turned loose. And oftentimes the play area won’t be, quote open before the schpeel. Yes. So generally, that’s when the player or at least opens to play well.

Chastain
I think some some things that you should listen out for during the schpeel are where is it okay to play where is it not okay to play? Where is it okay to be naked. Where is it not okay to be naked. Sometimes, you know, on our property, we have to restrict all activities either to inside the house or directly behind the house, so as not to be naked and kinky in front of our neighbors violate their consent, and some spaces there is a strictly enforced social area. And then the play space is a separate space and some spaces it’s kind of mixed in together. My My rule of thumb for people who are new, always, always, always be quiet in the play area. Always don’t talk in the play area. Don’t hang out there. You might have see other people talking and chatting. don’t join in. They’re making a mistake.

Absolutely, yeah.

Chastain
And that’s something we’ve all done. You know, we’ll have a party with pretty low attendance, we’ll just kind of hang out. It’ll be all people. We know. Everybody gets kind of chatty. Everybody’s had a beer too. And we’re just kind of hanging out, you know?

Max
Yeah. Like, I’m particularly bad about it. I know that I admit that. Yeah. Because, for one thing, I just, I tend to hang out up there in our particular space or spaces up there. Right. So I tend to hang out there just to you know, keep an eye on things. Yeah. And also because I like, you know, being boobies around the party, around the play. And yeah, so somebody will come up to me, one of our friends, and we’ll get louder and louder and then somebody louder, and then somebody’s laughing.

Chastain
Yeah, yeah. So, so don’t do that. Don’t do that. That’s bad behavior. If you if you know us and you’ve seen us do it, we’re not doing the right thing. Don’t use our example. Because it’s not cool. After the schpeel, then play opens. And then there’s usually a cutoff time for most parties. Try to wrap up your play before the cutoff time. Or at least try not to start 115 minutes before. Yeah, I mean, we’ve had parties where people stayed for four or five o’clock in the morning, and it’s just a huge inconvenience, especially when you have kids or pets that like kids are obviously not in the house. But like if you had a babysitter or something, and you’re the host like that’s, that’s tough on you. And also, like pets, like my dog doesn’t wanna stay in the crate all night. Like there’s a time limit on that. So yeah, that’s

Max
pretty much the limiting factor for us. is having the dog in the crate. Yeah, as far as time I mean, other than the fact that you know, we don’t usually want to be up all night. Yeah, I have had some ragers

Chastain
Absolutely. And we’ve had a lot of after parties where the party doesn’t even get started till the party’s over. But you know, sometimes I think that when it when it’s down to that last couple people, and it’s just people kind of helping clean up. and stuff, we’ll go ahead and let the dog out in social, you know, we try not to keep the pet out because, like, personally, personally for me, for me, I don’t want to be around your pet to find if I’m naked or in a place base, etc. Like I’m a germaphobe and I not that your house isn’t clean and not that your pets aren’t clean. But I don’t want like people who are petting dogs to then Touch my body. that’s a that’s a harsh thing for me. If it’s my dog, like that’s different, because those are like our germs. I said all that with my dog. In our case,

Max
we always have a food table and our dog is a is a food thieves. Yeah,

Chastain
he’ll say, Oh, yeah, so I think that kind of wraps up newbie stuff. I mean, we are. None of us are newbies at this point. So it’s hard to think of things from that perspective. And we had a couple of great questions from our Patreon supporter Jen this morning. And she, you know, she asked about, you know, being new and what to expect. So she did also have a couple of questions about people who are expected Coming to parties if you’re not necessarily throwing the party but you are an experienced person in the community, you’re experienced in kink you’ve been coming out to stuff for a while. As a seasoned party attendee What’s one thing that an experienced person can do to make the hosts life easier? Hurry things carry? Basically, you know, you say up after yourself.

Erik
Yes, sure. I think don’t leave a footprint.

Max
You know, and I think that besides that, that we try to act as we try to act as kind of on a Fishel DNS chest what’s a DM?

Chastain
o dm is a dungeon monitor and dungeon monitor is somebody who is has gone through some kind of training typically, or has met with somebody to go over dm guidelines. It’s not just any person and their responsibility is to make sure everyone is safe that safe words are being honored. And if people have questions or need somebody to watch their scene to look out for signs of distress or signs of shock things Like that, that’s what a DM is for dams are typically people who walk around the play spaces and sometimes the social areas. And usually we have what we call party floaters in the social area who handle kitchen stuff and trash and stuff like that. But dams are basically what they say goes. They are somebody that has been given the power to stop a scene to pause a scene. If they see signs, this is not something that they abuse. But if you have questions, the DM is the person to ask in this place base never interrupt a scene and our parties, we kind of expect our friends to act respectfully and responsibly and therefore we don’t have floating VMs at our parties. We have point people which is namely us you can come ask questions. But otherwise if you need a DM you have to let us know. We’ll provide one but we don’t have floating DMS we don’t do dm shifts we do for some of our open houses when we have a lot of new people.

Max
So I think that because we are experienced and seasoned inside Right, like when we are at other parties, we just try to keep an eye out. Right? We’re not going to be the person that that puts a pause on a scene,

Chastain
but we’ll go to later shots and says to her yesterday, and I think we do a good job about that. Yeah, yeah.

Max
Um, and you know, there have been more public events that I have gone to, like, hey, this dude being real aggressive, just keep an eye on him, you know, outside of actual play stuff, just to keep it

Chastain
Yeah, well, I’ve Do you know, Eric and IDM, at a convention last year, and that was just basically standing around the play space, and IBM at our local fetish club and also demo there. And part of my responsibility is to make sure that ownership knows about problems, and that if we see somebody who’s acting in a way that could get them in trouble, especially in a club environment where there’s a lot of drinking, it can get out of hand pretty quickly. So we want to make sure everybody’s being safe in a very crowded space. So we’ll definitely you know, go to the owner and go like hey, This person’s being a problem. How do you want us to handle it? Do you want us to handle it? Whatever legalities here, that sort of thing. I think that you always as a party planner, I think it’s important to like, understand what your strategy for removing people from spaces and the premises are, you know, just having a general idea. Nobody wants anybody to get hurt or feel unsafe in a party environment.

Erik
I don’t know exactly where you’re going with that. But that also went down a path of a lot of policing. And that’s not necessarily the role either.

Chastain
Right. I

Erik
look at it is a facilitator. It can be just as simple as Where do you keep this? Yeah, whatever. Yeah. And like, I’m as much of the role as anything. Yeah.

Chastain
I think a lot of questions. Do you have questions for DMS or things like, you know, I need touchpad. Yeah, where can I get some or is there a sharps disposal box in the play space? Can I do you need to play? I’m thinking about doing blacks play. What do I need to put down for that sort of stuff like that kind of thing.

Max
No. And let me introduce you well known for like, with that particular skill. Let me introduce you more, you might want to talk to them sometimes. Yeah,

Chastain
yeah. Well, and also, and i think i think but that also comes down to familiarity. You know, one of the things that I think is important in the party environment, especially if you’re an experienced person, you probably know people’s real names, but the newbies who are around you don’t and maybe those, that’s not something that people want them to know. So make sure you’re using fat names. Make sure you’re maintaining confidentiality and discretion in the party environment. We’re all just learning and growing. We all make mistakes all the time. The point is that recognizing when we do and making effort to correct it, I I you know, it’s kind of my my test to weed out if people actually need to be in my party environment is can they follow the basic instructions for things like rsvps and for dress code and stuff like that? where to park? You know, are they asking me questions if they don’t know They just go in like, Well, I didn’t know. So I just decided to park in the middle of your lawn, that kind of thing. You know, people who follow instructions are people that I don’t think it’s bad to follow instructions. I think it’s respectful to follow instructions. If you’re coming to somebody’s home or you’re coming to a place of business, you make sure you’re honoring those guidelines. So if I can’t trust you to fill out a form and request your guests appropriately, how can I trust you to honor somebody consent in my environment, like little little problems can lead to bigger problems. So I’m a big stickler for that. So that’s, that’s my personal little nitpicky thing.

Max
More questions or

Chastain
the next question is, what should I do if I see someone doing something really cool, and I get super excited and I want to do that thing to or with that person.

Max
Wait till they’re done. Mm hmm. primary thing, wait till they’re done. Mm hmm. And approach them or to a DM? Yeah,

Chastain
I usually suggest that people go to the DMS and ask and ask the DM to kind of make that introduction because like Eric said, Yeah, I prefer that to approaching somebody after they might be over done with aftercare because we have a lot of aftercare and interruption incidents. And aftercare is not a very visible, it’s not a visibly clear thing. Everybody’s aftercare looks different. And it is and it is like because you might see somebody chatting with their friends after they’ve done a scene and think it’s okay to chat with them, but they’re still in that in that headspace, and they’re talking to people that are safe for them. And that are they’re like, aftercare buddies. So, I think, you know, always ask, of course, but I think it’s better to go to a DM and say, Hey, like, I’m interested in that in this person, you know, how can I get connected with them? and go from there, you know, and often people have a whole dance

Max
of hurt. So it might, you know, don’t get your feelings hurt, like, be prepared to say, Hey, I’m gonna be next time around and do this thing. I plan on doing it in the future.

Chastain
Yeah, I have physical limitations. And there’s a point in the evening where I hit a wall and I cannot safely play with others anymore and I have to tell People like I’m sorry, I just can’t get to you tonight. And I think they do get like they get disappointed, but it’s not about them it’s being me taking care of myself and making sure that anybody I play with a safe so don’t take it personally. Hannah, throw me throw me your play party knowledge What are your your play party tips, tricks, secrets? How do you have a successful How do you have a successful play party or make it happen for yourself and others,

I personally need time to prepare and be in a good mindset. And that’s true, whether I’m getting rejoice something that someone else’s lovingly crafted for me, or if we’re hosting and space beforehand, to be in my party mindset to feel like I’m physically rested, so that I’m going in putting my best foot forward, less likely to take things personally, or to mess something up. You know, when we’re here, I need to, you know, go away from the party planning space and be quiet for a while so that I can come back.

Chastain
I think we all do. I think we all do a pretty decent job of making sure on party day that we would get stuff done in the morning. And then we just take that time to breathe. And sometimes we’ll have people who are doing a special thing like photobooth or demoing or what have you, and they’ll be to come early and set up. But we still take that time to be in separate spaces. You know, we’ll let the dog run around and they’ll come hang out. I’m a big proponent of the party nap. Like I have to have a nap. You’ve just heard the pod podcast with your hosts, Max, Hannah Chaston and Eric our theme music is Spencer blues by Lobo loco. Our break music is governed we know from YouTube, subscribe and review on iTunes or check us out on your favorite player, visit our website at www dot pod podcast calm to find all of our show notes and follow us on social media. Thank you so much for listening.

Click here to access this show’s transcript! A new window will pop up and take you to Otter, our transcription service. Enjoy!

Credits & Contact

Hosts: Max, Chastain, Hannah, & Erik
Website: www.podpodcvltcast.com
Email: thepod@podpodcvltcast.com
Title Music: “Spencer – Bluegrass” by Lobo Loco
Midroll Music: “The Point Break” by Pale Blue/Goberino

Become a Patron!